Living Well Is the Best Revenge (GBE2 #115 Topic: Faith)

I go out of my way to try NOT to write about autism.  

For starters, there are so many other bloggers that do a much better job of capturing life with autism than I feel I could.

And then...my life with autism...isn't really all that difficult.  I see what other parents go through...what other children have to endure...the lives of some of the individuals that I have cared for during the course of my career...and I figure that I'm pretty damn lucky!

On their worst days, my kids just seem to be a little weird. 

Nathan can come across as kind of a jerk...uncaring...cold...a kid who has no use for the world around him or the people in it.  It's just his way...personal connections are difficult for him and sometimes, I think he'd prefer it if we all communicated in the virtual world--his comfort zone being almost strictly behind a keyboard.  But there can just as many moments when he does engage with us and his smile and sarcastic sense of humor--that took forever for him to develop (he had no idea we were joking for years!!)--light up the entire room.  

Bear is Nathan's opposite.  He loves to interact...too much sometimes.  He loves to ramble on and on (and on...) about his favorite topics:  the video games, Minecraft and Skyrim, and watching videos on Youtube.  Even at the age of almost eleven...and at the size of a small adult...his favorite place to be is wedged between Jeff and I on the couch with me scratching some part of his body.  He walks around the house with "t-rex arms" and spins around and/or flaps his hands (what he has named "advanced jazz hands") whenever he hears the theme song to the television show "The Big Bang Theory". 

Nathan has one really good friend.  Bear maintains that his family are the only friends he needs.

While Nathan tends to keep things inside and doesn't like to talk about what's bothering him, Bear freaks out about almost anything and is prone to meltdowns over seemingly minor things.  As Bear has matured, the meltdowns have become smaller and easier to come back from...but they still happen...frequently.

These differences, I think, are why Bear was easily diagnosed at the age of five but Nathan wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was fifteen.  Bear can be loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Nathan is generally quiet and well-mannered.  Adults like Nathan because, even when he was younger, he acted like a tiny adult.  Bear's emotional and social age is at least 3 years younger than he actually is.  A ten year old, who is five feet tall and weighs 150 pounds, having a "temper tantrum" like a five year old isn't an easy pill to swallow for people who just don't get it.

All of Bear's life, people have shunned him.  Sometimes he notices....sometimes he doesn't.  And sometimes, people pull me aside to tell me what a rotten child he is and how it's all our fault!

Sometimes...they say these things when he is in earshot! 

We didn't discipline him enough.

We coddle him.

He isn't really on the autism spectrum--we're just bad parents.

He doesn't need special ed--just a good smack every once in a while.

He should know better not to give us a hard time by this age.

You dropped the ball with this kid...shame on you!!

Sometimes, these statements come from people who are supposed to be loving and supportive.

Often, the very idea that people feel that way--when they are supposed to love us unconditionally--causes more pain and anger than I can handle.

But I have faith.

Not necessarily in them...but in my kid.  That he will continue to be the happy, charming, amazing kid he's always been...and that he will grow into an even more amazing adult.

Proof...

that we never dropped the ball....

And teacher becomes the student (GBE2 week #4)

As most of you know, I'm a mom. 

I have four awesomely crazy/awesomely awesome kids.  Three boys and a girl.

I could write tons about each one of them...and, over time, I probably will.  But today I'm writing about child #3--Ian-Thayer or Bear as he's been called since the day he was born.

Bear has autism.

He's on the very high functioning end of the autism spectrum and, to most of the world, just appears to be 'a little bit different'.

To steal a line from The Mom Cave, he has 'a little bit of autism'.

He is smart, funny, charming, demanding, behavioral, and challenging---often all at the same time.

But I don't know any other person who is more comfortable in their skin--more in control of who they are--than Bear.

I was reading this blog.

It's about having 'the talk' with your autistic child--the talk where you tell them about their autism.  Bear and I had this talk almost four years ago but I loved this post and I became inspired by her idea of Google-ing all the autistic people that are famous or have made amazing contributions to society.

I wanted to do this with Bear.....if he was receptive to the idea. 

I approached the idea with him during a massive downpour on the way to the post office.  Since it was just the two of us, with no distractions, I figured this was a perfect time to ask him if it was something he'd be interested in doing.

I expected him to say no.  And he did.  But it's the reason that astounded me.  I figured he would just say that it was too boring or that he had better things to do....

He told me that it wasn't necessary to see a list like that.  Because such a list implies that there is something wrong with having autism.  Something so wrong that we need to have lists of great people who have autism just to prove that it's not as bad as you think it is.  The list's existence alone must mean that people believe having autism is a negative thing.

I tried to explain about closed-minded people and people who automatically spew hatred at anything that is different and unusual--and keep it on an eight year old level.

I told him that some (but not all) people are scared of different and unusual.

His answer blew me away.

He said "What's wrong with having autism?  I have autism.  I am different.  There's nothing wrong with being different.  I like being different."

Apparently, my son has been gaining wisdom and maturity behind my back.

And I love him all the more for it.