Living Well Is the Best Revenge (GBE2 #115 Topic: Faith)

I go out of my way to try NOT to write about autism.  

For starters, there are so many other bloggers that do a much better job of capturing life with autism than I feel I could.

And then...my life with autism...isn't really all that difficult.  I see what other parents go through...what other children have to endure...the lives of some of the individuals that I have cared for during the course of my career...and I figure that I'm pretty damn lucky!

On their worst days, my kids just seem to be a little weird. 

Nathan can come across as kind of a jerk...uncaring...cold...a kid who has no use for the world around him or the people in it.  It's just his way...personal connections are difficult for him and sometimes, I think he'd prefer it if we all communicated in the virtual world--his comfort zone being almost strictly behind a keyboard.  But there can just as many moments when he does engage with us and his smile and sarcastic sense of humor--that took forever for him to develop (he had no idea we were joking for years!!)--light up the entire room.  

Bear is Nathan's opposite.  He loves to interact...too much sometimes.  He loves to ramble on and on (and on...) about his favorite topics:  the video games, Minecraft and Skyrim, and watching videos on Youtube.  Even at the age of almost eleven...and at the size of a small adult...his favorite place to be is wedged between Jeff and I on the couch with me scratching some part of his body.  He walks around the house with "t-rex arms" and spins around and/or flaps his hands (what he has named "advanced jazz hands") whenever he hears the theme song to the television show "The Big Bang Theory". 

Nathan has one really good friend.  Bear maintains that his family are the only friends he needs.

While Nathan tends to keep things inside and doesn't like to talk about what's bothering him, Bear freaks out about almost anything and is prone to meltdowns over seemingly minor things.  As Bear has matured, the meltdowns have become smaller and easier to come back from...but they still happen...frequently.

These differences, I think, are why Bear was easily diagnosed at the age of five but Nathan wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was fifteen.  Bear can be loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Nathan is generally quiet and well-mannered.  Adults like Nathan because, even when he was younger, he acted like a tiny adult.  Bear's emotional and social age is at least 3 years younger than he actually is.  A ten year old, who is five feet tall and weighs 150 pounds, having a "temper tantrum" like a five year old isn't an easy pill to swallow for people who just don't get it.

All of Bear's life, people have shunned him.  Sometimes he notices....sometimes he doesn't.  And sometimes, people pull me aside to tell me what a rotten child he is and how it's all our fault!

Sometimes...they say these things when he is in earshot! 

We didn't discipline him enough.

We coddle him.

He isn't really on the autism spectrum--we're just bad parents.

He doesn't need special ed--just a good smack every once in a while.

He should know better not to give us a hard time by this age.

You dropped the ball with this kid...shame on you!!

Sometimes, these statements come from people who are supposed to be loving and supportive.

Often, the very idea that people feel that way--when they are supposed to love us unconditionally--causes more pain and anger than I can handle.

But I have faith.

Not necessarily in them...but in my kid.  That he will continue to be the happy, charming, amazing kid he's always been...and that he will grow into an even more amazing adult.

Proof...

that we never dropped the ball....

Last Minute Hairspray (GBE2 #66 Topic: Snapshot)

Here in New York's "capital district" we have musical theater in the park every summer.  It's a fun, not to mention free, way to spend an evening.  I have many fond memories of going to the shows when I was younger.  As the years have gone by, I haven't had as many opportunities to go.  The kids were small and I had no sitter....I had no one to go with....it was too hot....I was too tired.  I've had excuses a-plenty.

Until this year.

Finally, in the form of my oh-so-beautiful and amazing ten year old daughter, I had a theater buddy!  She's fun.  She's good company.  She loves musicals just as much as I do and she is finally old enough to have the patience to sit through the show. 

When I discovered that one of the musicals was going to be "Hairspray", I knew this was the year for Addy and I to start a new mother daughter tradition.  I talked about how we were going to pack a snack and some drinks, get a blanket and snuggle under the stars while we watched her favorite musical. 

Then family crisis hit us.  Hard.  And going to the theater was the last thing on my mind.  I told her to remind me.  I was going to keep this promise no matter what, but she had to keep me on my toes in case I forgot about it while trying to sort out our problems.

She reminded me on Sunday night.  I promptly checked the park's website only to find out that Sunday night....was the LAST night of the show!!  And it was starting in thirty minutes!!

So, we ran out the door.  We did have a blanket.  But we didn't have time for snacks and drinks.  We hurried to the park as fast as we could, made our way through the crowd and wedged ourselves into a small space in the grass.

She snuggled up against me and waited impatiently for the last ten minutes to roll by before showtime.

That's when I snapped the photo up above.

It wasn't the perfect outing that I had planned out in my mind.  But I kept my promise to my little girl and started a new tradition in the process.

Who knows?  Maybe "Mammamia" will be in our future.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Eleventy-seven Questions

A little while ago Gill from Mojo Writin (Bright Blessings) tagged me to do this eleven-tag thing.  Being the colossal procrastinator that I am, I totally forgot about it kind of pushed it aside, until today, when I saw Beth (Word Nerd Speaks) take on this tag from about eleventy bajillion people.

Since today is pretty much a lazy day for me, I figured it might be fun to actually do it.  I'm going to do both Gill's and Beth's questions (since she tagged anyone and everyone!) but I'm not going to tag anyone myself.  This tag surely won't die with me and, honestly, I'm not feeling ambitious enough to come up with people to tag :-)

Eleven Things About Me!

1. In the last couple of months, we've adopted three senior cats.  Two girls, Big Mama and Bob, and one boy, Graphite.

2. Since doing this, I've discovered that I am actually a cat person.  More specifically--a fat cat person. I fell in love with Big Mama at first sight...she weighs in at 20 pounds!!  Bob weighs about 13 pounds.  I don't know...there's something about a fat cat that makes me smile.

3. I am making split pea soup for dinner.  I am a great soup maker.  I can make a tasty soup out of just about anything.

4. I've always hated mint.  Until very recently.  Lately I've been grabbing every chocolate/mint flavored item I can get.  Weird.

5. I do not own one pair of single color socks.  All my socks are wild crazy patterns.

6. Whales are my favorite mammal.

7. I absolutely love reading to my kids. 

8. I keep my spare change in an actual piggy bank,   She's a pink pig wearing a tutu and tiara.  I call her Priscilla.

9. I love perfumes that smell like food.  My recent favorite is called Un-Birthday. It smells like candy and it is awesome.

10. I have a job interview on Friday...send me positive vibes!

11. I am nowhere near interesting enough to come up with eleven things.

Now...for Gill's questions...

1. What is the first book you remember reading as a child? I read a lot of books!  The first one that comes to mind is the Sweet Pickles series.  I used to love those!

2. Have you ever owned a fad toy--such as a tamogotchi?  When I was a kid, I had cabbage patch kids and collected garbage pail kids cards.  That counts right?

3. What was your favorite childhood game? Clue.  Hands down.  I still love playing Clue.  Second would probably be word games like Scrabble and Boggle.

4. Can your body do anything strange--such as ear wiggling?  I can do the taco tongue thing.  My toes also can spread really wide apart.  I have pretty talented toes.  When I was young, I could flip the record I was listening to and restart it all with my toes.

5. If you had to spend the rest of your life in one room, who would you take for companionship?  I can't imagine anyone would want to spend forever with just me.  That's a punishment I wouldn't want to inflict...they'd go crazy for sure.

6. Do you have a friend who knows to wipe your computer should you suddenly die? No...and I don't think there is anything on here that I would be embarrassed for anyone to see anyway.

7. What is the worst grammar pet peeve that you have?  Oh but there are sooo many!  They're/their/there...your/you're....to/two/too...I see people say that they 'half to go to the store'  that irks the crap out of me.

8. You can go back and change one life decision--would you?  Nope...I'd keep it all the same.

9. You're coming back to this world as an animal--which one?  An orca whale.

10. Would you confront someone who was doing something illegal--such as littering or cycling on the pavement--if there were signs forbidding it?  I'd probably make some sort of obnoxious passive-agressive comment in a loud-ish voice.  I'm not big on confrontations.

11. What sound can make your heart miss a beat and a smile break out unbidden?  The sound of my children laughing and playing nicely.  

Now for Beth's questions.... 

1. When did you start feeling like a grown-up? I'm not sure I've reached that point yet.  I mean...I know I am...I'm almost 40...but it sure doesn't feel like it.


2. What celebrity made your heart go pitter-patter when you were a kid/tween/teen?  First it was Corey Feldman (my sister was the Corey Haim fan) then it was Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids On The Block.


3. What song do you and your sweetie think of as “your” song? We really don't have one.  There's been a few over the years that have been more like inside jokes but no real "our song".


4. Do you consider yourself patriotic? Why or why not? I wouldn't say that I'm overly patriotic.  That being said, when blatantly anti-American comments are being made, it does make me irritable.


5. What is something you once believed, but no longer do? Santa?  Tooth Fairy?


6. Jean shorts: Just fine or a sure sign of extreme dorkiness? I think it depends on the style of jean shorts.  They aren't my style but I've seen many people pull them off nicely.


7. Has an infomercial ever prompted you to make a purchase? If so, what did you buy? Nope, I can't say that I have bought anything. 


8. What snack do you have hidden in the back of the cupboard/fridge? Nothing especially decadent today.  I do have snap peas and salsa.  Healthy and tasty!


9. What book or movie seemed to speak to the masses, but didn’t do much for you? Fifty Shades of Grey.  It's just so badly written. I feel like it has an underlying message that risque sex practices and abuse/trauma are always linked.  That seems like a bad message to me.  And I honestly don't know how she got away with using "he smelled like Christian" that many times to describe his scent.  Ummmm....hello?  We can't really smell him...you have to do better than that!


10. What do you wear to bed?  Four days a week, I sleep at work.  I just wear whatever I put on to go to work that day.  At home, it's usually shorts and a t-shirt or some similar combination.


11. Is there a story of you as a child that your parents told so many times that it became part of your history? Something cute or funny you said or did, maybe? Care to share?  I can't really think of anything.  Maybe I was a pretty boring child ;-)

Releasing My Inner Golden Girl (GBE2 #50 Topic: The Stranger)

There's a story from my younger days that my kids absolutely LOVE.

Since it involves a stranger, it fits for this week's prompt.  So sit back and relax because I'm about to get my Sophia Petrillo on....

Picture it.  Albany.  1992.

I was walking home with my very best friend.  I can't remember if we were walking home from school or from something else entirely...I suppose it doesn't matter...but we were about two or three blocks away from our houses. 

Up the street, we spied an older man.  He appeared ancient to me at the time but in reality he was probably in his late fifties or early sixties.  He was short (shorter than I was anyway) and stout.  His gray hair was short and he had the classic 'horseshoe' bald spot.  His big round face was covered with several days worth of five o'clock shadow.

My kids would have called him a hobo. 

I have no idea if he was actually homeless but he was quite disheveled and we thought it would be best if we gave this guy plenty of room on the street. 

Did I mention that he was wearing a trenchcoat? 

As we approached the spot where our paths would cross, he spoke to us.

Holding his trenchcoat closed he growled to us "Hey there girlies....get a load of this!"
And he whipped open the trenchcoat with all the oomph and enthusiasm of your garden variety flasher.

And he flashed us.

Fully clothed.

A Walk In The Woods (GBE2 #47 Topic: Home)

It's spring break and we've been trying to get the kids out of the house.  I've been forfeiting my "dance" workout and heading out to the park instead.  While Jeff plays a few holes of disc golf and the kids play on the playground, I've been donning my headphones and doing my version of a power-walk around the perimeter of the park.

I even got ten leaves on my fitbit flower the other day.  It's been a nice change of pace.

The park is small and quiet...almost no one goes there.  It's a gem in our community that isn't utilized to it's fullest potential.  There are trails that can be hiked...a creek for swimming...the possibilities are endless.

Today, Bear was sad.  I found him sitting with his dad.  He said he was sad and didn't know why.  I had a hunch....but I didn't want to push him.  I did what any nature-hating mom should do in these circumstances.

I agreed to a one on one hike...IN THE WOODS...just mommy and Bear. 

I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy this, but I thought it was just what he needed.  And, sure enough, as soon as we started walking, Bear started talking.  We covered why he was sad and quickly moved on to other topics.

He's quite the chatty boy.

Look Mommy, tires!  Why are there tires in the woods?  Hey!  That looks like scrap metal over there!  Do you think it's an oven?  Or maybe it's a time capsule...wouldn't that be really cool??  Remember that time we went geocaching in this park?  We never did find that cache.  Maybe we should look again.  Are you happy that I'll be going to a new school in the fall.  I can't wait to torture Nathan just by riding the same school bus.  Are these OUR footprints?  Or...maybe they are ninja footprints!  Yeah!  That's it!!  Maybe there are chuck-wearing girl ninjas out here running around.  Do you think it's weird that I can do different voices?  (Then did his very best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression and his other voice that sounds like Gloamer from the old Punky Brewster cartoon.  Anyone besides me remember that?)

We came to the creek.  It wasn't the swimming area, but rather a portion that was extremely shallow.  A rickety bridge connected the two banks...although it looked entirely possible to cross the creek by walking across the rocks that lined it's bottom.  I was unsure and a little afraid....but Bear quickly crossed the bridge and taunted me from the other side.

Come on Mommy!  You can walk across the rocks.  It'll be easy.  I was brave and took the bridge but you don't have to.  Really Mommy, just cross the rocks.  I bet you don't even get wet.  I'll make it worth your while....


Oh yeah?  How so, little boy?


By giving you a big hug and kiss!  Seriously...how could I refuse an offer like that?

Tentatively, I crossed the rocks.  My feet slipped into the water a few times but the important thing is that I made it. 

As he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek, I was swept up by just how much I love this little boy...how much I love all my children.

If home is where the heart is...then my home was in the woods today.

The Next Fifteen Years (GBE# 36 Topic: TIME)

"Hi!  My name is Nathan and I'm gonna be a soldier when I grow up!"

These were the first words my son ever said to me.  He was three, very small for his age with a shaggy mop of blond hair.  His enormous blue eyes were framed by the longest lashes I had ever seen.  Seriously.... women pay huge sums of money to achieve what this little guy came by naturally.

He couldn't pronounce my name.  He called me Stephtee--a name I still use today.

It wasn't love at first sight--for either of us.  I had absolutely no experience with children.  Nathan was used to being cared for by his grandmother.  After Jeff and Nathan's mother went their separate ways, Jeff's mother assumed most of the parenting duties while Jeff was working.  It took some time before Jeff and I figured out what type of parents we wanted to be and we definitely made lots of mistakes along the way.

But without even realizing it, one day I just felt like a mom.

My own mom is actually my step-mother.  My father always taught me "There is no such thing as step".  My mom is my mom.  My sisters are my sisters.  We are a family.  Once I was pregnant with Addy, I knew that was a rule we needed to embrace.

In our house,  there is no such thing as step AND there are no half-siblings. 

We are a family.  Plain and simple.

I never asked Nathan to call me 'Mom'...in fact, he used to call both his moms by their first names.  Shortly after Bear was born, Nathan asked me if he should start calling me 'Mom'.  I told him that it didn't matter what he called me because I knew, in my heart, that I was his mom.

When he hugged me and told me that he'd decided to start calling me 'Mom', I cried.  It was, to date, one of the happiest moments of my life.

Twelve years...three more kids...a million arguments....laughter....joy....tears....and, occasionally....some fun.  Where does the time go?

Tuesday, my oldest son is turning fifteen!  The blonde hair has since turned to brown but he still has some of the bluest eyes around (rivaled only by his little brother).  Those lashes are still long and full...so much that they rub against his glasses when he blinks--which drives him nuts.  More importantly, he's turned into such a smart, funny, and interesting young man.

I'm amazed by how quickly the time is passing and how fast my little boy is growing up.

I can't wait to see how he turns out.

Bring on the next fifteen years!!

(No pics because....you know....he's too cool to have his picture taken these days)

Spirit of Christmas--GBE#31 (Topic: Wonder)

In 2002, I couldn't find my Christmas spirit.  I kept looking for it...I kept waiting for it to turn up...but it just wasn't happening.

We had little to no money.  Our car had broken.  Jeff had to change jobs because of it.  I wasn't working because I had just given birth to Bear four weeks earlier.  I was battling post-partum depression and Jeff's mother was in the hospital.

We had 250 dollars scraped together to get Christmas presents for three kids.  Addy, who was fourteen months old at the time, had removed and broken EVERY decoration on our tree.

I was done with Christmas before it had even started.

I was going through the motions...trying so hard to be jolly.  I kept telling myself that if I kept pretending to be cheerful, I'd eventually get bitten by the Christmas bug. 

"Fake it 'til you make it" became my holiday mantra--with little success.

On Christmas Eve, we had our first annual party as a family--a tradition we still do every year.  It was just Jeff, myself and the kids that year....and a tiny "spread" that included a bowl of chips, a small platter of sandwich meat, and a small relish tray. 

While we munched on our goodies....it started to snow.

Now, if you know me or you've read this blog before....you probably know that I hate snow.  I detest it with a burning fire that I can't even begin to put into words.  But on Christmas Eve, it's kind of...maybe just a little bit....okay. 

The snow began to fall harder.  After Addy and Bear were laid down for the night, Nathan, Jeff and I went out on the front porch to peek at the snowfall and we saw the most amazing sight...

The town we lived in at the time had lined the streets with candles.  The whole neighborhood was glowing with candlelight as the snow silently fell to the ground.  It was so beautiful...standing on our porch...candles all around us....enveloped in that deep, solemn quiet that only happens during a snowfall. 

I was filled with wonder and awe....and finally....some Christmas spirit.

That snowstorm turned into a blizzard that left us snowed in and housebound--but we really didn't mind.

Not only was it Bear's first Christmas, it was also the first time Addy had some sort of understanding about the holidays.  And...it was the only Christmas that Nathan spent entirely with us--because his biological mom was snowed in too. 

Each Christmas, We strive to make it "the best year ever".  We run around like crazy people trying to make all our kids' wishes come true.  We try to make memories for them that will last forever.

But for me, watching the snow fall by candlelight, while my babies slept, is my favorite memory.

We might not have had much, but we had each other.

And that is the spirit of Christmas.

Best. Surprise. Ever. (GBE2 #26 Topic: Surprise)

Before I start, I just wanted say....Holy Guacamole!  We're on week 26 of GBE2?!  A half a year has gone by already!  That's amazing.  I am so thankful to be a part of this group and for the opportunities you guys give me to take a peek into your worlds week after week.  And...thank you Beth for going through this with us every week and for being our "leader".  (((Super Big Hugs))) to all my fellow GBE-ers!  Congratulations on fantastic 26 weeks!


In early 2002, life was just about perfect. 

In just a little over a year, Jeff, Nathan and I had gone from being three virtual strangers struggling to get to know one another to being a real honest-to-goodness family.  Then, in September of 2001, we'd welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our lives.

I never even thought I would have one kid--and now I was lucky enough to have two!  I was quite pleased with my little family.  More kids were not in the equation....at least not yet.  Addy was only four months old..we could revisit that idea once she got to kindergarten....

One night...a night where we threw common sense and better judgement out the window....a night where we totally didn't think at all thought with our parts instead of our brains....

One night changed everything.

The realization that I was pregnant--AGAIN--after just giving birth four months before was tough pill to swallow.  This was no blessed bundle of joy.  This wasn't a reason to get excited. 

I remember Jeff looking to me and asking me what I wanted to do about this pregnancy and solemnly telling him "Well, we've made our bed...and now we have to lie in it"   

But, I didn't want to have this baby.  I beat myself up with guilt.  What kind of mother feels that away about her own baby??!!  How could I be a good mother after this?

I was scared.  Hell, I was terrified. 

Not only was this another baby but it was also back to back babies.  I had visions of two cribs, two sets of bottles and diapers.  Never-ending years of sleepless nights, formulas stained shirts, sticky hands and potty training accidents.  I barely knew how to take care of the baby I already had....how was I supposed to take care of another baby at the same time!

Chasing around a toddler while trying to care for a newborn AND a kindergartener seemed like a one way ticket to insanity.

And that's exactly how it was.

Mostly.

Except for when it wasn't.

Parents are amazing creatures with the capacity for great feats of adaptation.  Adding one more baby to the mix never really felt like it changed anything much--at least not in a negative way.  I won't ever say it was easy but Jeff and I made it through....and  now that those two babies are almost to middle school...I can say it wasn't ever as difficult as I'd imagined that it would be.

Living with Bear isn't always sunshine and rainbows.  In fact, there are some days when I want to pull my hair out piece by piece.  Loud days where the words "personal space" have no meaning.  Days where everything I say and do causes meltdown after meltdown.  Days where he sits on the couch repeating the same word or phrase over and over and over.....and over.  Days where, from the corner of my eye, I can see his index finger heading towards my cheek--to lightly poke me--for the seventeenth time.

But I can't imagine this family without his unique style and personality.  I can't imagine my life without him in it.

He became the blessed bundle of joy that I didn't know that I wanted.  The one that I didn't know that I needed.

My 'happy accident'.

My 'Ooops! Baby'

My Bear.

The best surprise ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAR!!

(he affectionately calls me 'old lady')

(The Halloween Store is one of his favorite stores. Here, the ghouls are sucking out his soul! )