Strenth of Character (GBE2 #58--Topic: Strength)

In the original GBE, one of my first posts was about pet peeves.  One of those peeves was when people pronounce the word 'strength' (or length) without the 'G' sound.  The sound of a person saying "strenth" or "lenth" can make me cringe like nails on a chalkboard.

Now, I realize that the pronunciation of these words is a regional thing.  Whether we use that g-sound in those words mostly depends on where in this country we've spent the majority of our years--much like whether you call your sparkly carbonated beverage soda or pop...or even just a coke.  It might be a peeve of mine but I understand that it's not wrong and I've never meant any insult to those who feel that G is silent.

But there's a reason why it's nails on a chalkboard for me.  And it has nothing to do with the words themselves...but rather the first person that I'd ever encountered that pronounced those words in that manner.

Mrs. Angerame.  My ninth grade math teacher.

Math has never been my strong suit.  Even as big a nerd as I claim to be, getting a passing grade in math was always a struggle.  Despite this, I'd been accelerated a year ahead in math since the sixth grade.  In my freshman year of high school, I was taking tenth grade math, which in New York State in the early 90's, meant geometry.

I was lost.  Not just lost in math....lost in just about every aspect of my life.  All my friends had deserted me (there is a post about that somewhere...) and my father had just died.  I spent most of my free time eating, writing, listening to music and eating some more.  My studies were lost in a sea of procrastination.  Looking back, I can plainly see what a mess I was...but at the time...well it just felt normal

When grades came in, my mom was displeased.  I needed to get back on track.  I needed to get serious.  A 30 in math was not going to fly in our family.

I went to my teacher.  I asked her if there was a time before school started that we could meet so that I could get some extra help.  I asked her if I could meet with her on my lunch break.  There were reasons why I could not stay after school but I tried to take responsibility and get the help that I needed.

She told me if I couldn't come after school then there was no way she could help me.

Each day spent in that class, I felt like I was drowning.  I asked for help.  I told her I didn't understand.  She made me feel small and stupid almost daily.

Then one day, she said something that angers me to this day.

"Stephanie, it's a wonder that you've been properly toilet trained seeing as you can't even comprehend simple math."

So...because I struggled to understand GEOMETRY (not simple math by a long shot...), I must be mentally deficient and should feel fortunate that I could even wipe my own ass.

From a teacher, that is absurdly unacceptable.

She has no idea how much that abusive comment affected me.  As the other students chuckled at her words, I felt ever smaller and more stupid.  I already felt like I didn't belong and this just made things worse.  I knew she was out of line but a small part of me was afraid that it might be true.  Being smart was who I was....my whole identity...if I didn't have that...well, then I had absolutely nothing to hold onto.

Somehow, even without her "simple math", I managed to go to college, have a rewarding job, get married and make some pretty amazing (and smart) babies.  I even manage that ass-wiping thing on a daily basis.  I'd like her to know that I turned out pretty damn great...no thanks to her.

Mostly, I'd like her to know that she failed that day--both as a teacher and a human being.  She had the power and the strength (or strenth) to help guide a student who had lost her way. 

But instead of building me up, she chose to knock me down.

I hope she's proud.









 

Eleventy-seven Questions

A little while ago Gill from Mojo Writin (Bright Blessings) tagged me to do this eleven-tag thing.  Being the colossal procrastinator that I am, I totally forgot about it kind of pushed it aside, until today, when I saw Beth (Word Nerd Speaks) take on this tag from about eleventy bajillion people.

Since today is pretty much a lazy day for me, I figured it might be fun to actually do it.  I'm going to do both Gill's and Beth's questions (since she tagged anyone and everyone!) but I'm not going to tag anyone myself.  This tag surely won't die with me and, honestly, I'm not feeling ambitious enough to come up with people to tag :-)

Eleven Things About Me!

1. In the last couple of months, we've adopted three senior cats.  Two girls, Big Mama and Bob, and one boy, Graphite.

2. Since doing this, I've discovered that I am actually a cat person.  More specifically--a fat cat person. I fell in love with Big Mama at first sight...she weighs in at 20 pounds!!  Bob weighs about 13 pounds.  I don't know...there's something about a fat cat that makes me smile.

3. I am making split pea soup for dinner.  I am a great soup maker.  I can make a tasty soup out of just about anything.

4. I've always hated mint.  Until very recently.  Lately I've been grabbing every chocolate/mint flavored item I can get.  Weird.

5. I do not own one pair of single color socks.  All my socks are wild crazy patterns.

6. Whales are my favorite mammal.

7. I absolutely love reading to my kids. 

8. I keep my spare change in an actual piggy bank,   She's a pink pig wearing a tutu and tiara.  I call her Priscilla.

9. I love perfumes that smell like food.  My recent favorite is called Un-Birthday. It smells like candy and it is awesome.

10. I have a job interview on Friday...send me positive vibes!

11. I am nowhere near interesting enough to come up with eleven things.

Now...for Gill's questions...

1. What is the first book you remember reading as a child? I read a lot of books!  The first one that comes to mind is the Sweet Pickles series.  I used to love those!

2. Have you ever owned a fad toy--such as a tamogotchi?  When I was a kid, I had cabbage patch kids and collected garbage pail kids cards.  That counts right?

3. What was your favorite childhood game? Clue.  Hands down.  I still love playing Clue.  Second would probably be word games like Scrabble and Boggle.

4. Can your body do anything strange--such as ear wiggling?  I can do the taco tongue thing.  My toes also can spread really wide apart.  I have pretty talented toes.  When I was young, I could flip the record I was listening to and restart it all with my toes.

5. If you had to spend the rest of your life in one room, who would you take for companionship?  I can't imagine anyone would want to spend forever with just me.  That's a punishment I wouldn't want to inflict...they'd go crazy for sure.

6. Do you have a friend who knows to wipe your computer should you suddenly die? No...and I don't think there is anything on here that I would be embarrassed for anyone to see anyway.

7. What is the worst grammar pet peeve that you have?  Oh but there are sooo many!  They're/their/there...your/you're....to/two/too...I see people say that they 'half to go to the store'  that irks the crap out of me.

8. You can go back and change one life decision--would you?  Nope...I'd keep it all the same.

9. You're coming back to this world as an animal--which one?  An orca whale.

10. Would you confront someone who was doing something illegal--such as littering or cycling on the pavement--if there were signs forbidding it?  I'd probably make some sort of obnoxious passive-agressive comment in a loud-ish voice.  I'm not big on confrontations.

11. What sound can make your heart miss a beat and a smile break out unbidden?  The sound of my children laughing and playing nicely.  

Now for Beth's questions.... 

1. When did you start feeling like a grown-up? I'm not sure I've reached that point yet.  I mean...I know I am...I'm almost 40...but it sure doesn't feel like it.


2. What celebrity made your heart go pitter-patter when you were a kid/tween/teen?  First it was Corey Feldman (my sister was the Corey Haim fan) then it was Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids On The Block.


3. What song do you and your sweetie think of as “your” song? We really don't have one.  There's been a few over the years that have been more like inside jokes but no real "our song".


4. Do you consider yourself patriotic? Why or why not? I wouldn't say that I'm overly patriotic.  That being said, when blatantly anti-American comments are being made, it does make me irritable.


5. What is something you once believed, but no longer do? Santa?  Tooth Fairy?


6. Jean shorts: Just fine or a sure sign of extreme dorkiness? I think it depends on the style of jean shorts.  They aren't my style but I've seen many people pull them off nicely.


7. Has an infomercial ever prompted you to make a purchase? If so, what did you buy? Nope, I can't say that I have bought anything. 


8. What snack do you have hidden in the back of the cupboard/fridge? Nothing especially decadent today.  I do have snap peas and salsa.  Healthy and tasty!


9. What book or movie seemed to speak to the masses, but didn’t do much for you? Fifty Shades of Grey.  It's just so badly written. I feel like it has an underlying message that risque sex practices and abuse/trauma are always linked.  That seems like a bad message to me.  And I honestly don't know how she got away with using "he smelled like Christian" that many times to describe his scent.  Ummmm....hello?  We can't really smell him...you have to do better than that!


10. What do you wear to bed?  Four days a week, I sleep at work.  I just wear whatever I put on to go to work that day.  At home, it's usually shorts and a t-shirt or some similar combination.


11. Is there a story of you as a child that your parents told so many times that it became part of your history? Something cute or funny you said or did, maybe? Care to share?  I can't really think of anything.  Maybe I was a pretty boring child ;-)

Toxic Cycle (GBE2 #55 Topic: High School)

Who knows what actually started the argument but it was happening.  Yelling, screaming...two teenagers alone in an empty house.  He always got angry and she always felt the need to defend herself.

If only he could SEE her point of view then he would understand.  He would stop being mad and they could get back to all the fun stuff that comes with being high school sweethearts.

It was a non-stop cycle.  He would use his angry words as weapons-- Each one burning, cutting, bleeding her.  Although she felt she was a master with words who could talk her way out of anything, none of her words ever stopped his verbal blows from pummeling her.  He would keeping yelling...keep saying horrible things to her...until she snapped.

Until she hit him.

And when she hit him...in his mind...this was the permission he needed to hit her back.

Walking away never occurred to her.  Friends had talked to her and she knew that they raised valid points.  But they loved each other.  And you didn't turn your back on love...ever.

Besides, no other boy would ever want to date her.  Who else would be interested in the fat, nerdy, red-head.  Nobody else had shown an interest so far and she doubted that anybody ever would.

He asked her to leave.  Yelled at her to get out of the house.  It was his house and he didn't want her here.  If she didn't leave he was going to make her leave.  She was stubborn.  She told him she wasn't going anywhere...they were going to have to work things out.  Right now.

He chased her through the house--down the stairs and into the kitchen.  In the blink of eye, she found herself on the floor.  He was on top of her--with a butcher knife to her throat!  They lay there...hot, sweaty, gasping for breath...tears in her eyes...anger in his...this was so much worse than anything that had ever happened before.

She snapped.  Hysterical.  How could he put a knife to her throat???  She was crying, screaming...irrational.  Arms and legs were flailing in every direction yet somehow they ended back upstairs in his room.  His thirteen-year old sister had come home and overheard the screams.

It's all right he told her...she doesn't know what she's saying...she's still upset about her grandmother dying...she's just had a breakdown...that's all.  Don't mention it to anyone because she'll be embarrassed.

In the room as he held her he told her she wasn't to speak a word about what happened to anyone.  It was a mistake...he was sorry...besides it was her fault because she wouldn't leave...and because she hit him first....

This wasn't how I spent every day in high school...but it was how I spent many a day.  I'm not saying that it was always a knife to the throat--that was an extreme day--but I endured a continuous cycle of abuse.  We were very toxic together.  For about a year and I half...I was out of that relationship but then...I went back.  I went back and married him.  It wasn't always this bad...but interspersed between the happy memories are a whole bunch of horrible ones.  Horrible memories similar to this one...


And leaving...I think...was the best thing I could have ever done...for both of us.

If there is one thing I'd like to express by sharing this it would be:  THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER BOY (OR GIRL)!!!  There is never any excuse for living like this.  There is never an excuse to stay.  Walking away is always the smartest answer.  Each one of us is special in our own way and there will be someone who will not only love and appreciate us but will also treat us with respect. 

Wait for that person...no matter how long it takes. 

Here's to 80's crushes, Lame Concerts, and NOT Being Especially Deep (GBE2 #54 Topic: Self)

Without music, life would be a mistake.
Friedrich Nietzsche

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
Bob Marley

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
Henry David Thoreau

There have a lot of awesomely deep posts for this week's GBE2 topic of "self".  The bad thing for me, this week anyway, is that I am not in a very deep thinking frame of mind.

 

I was watching videos on YouTube earlier and I noticed that there is a "music tag" going around.  I thought that doing this tag would be a lighthearted way to cover this topic and show you guys a little more of mySELF.  

 

1.  Who is your favorite band/singer?

Bands and singers fall into two different categories for me.  My all time favorite singer is Madonna.  My two favorite bands are Weezer and (The) Gossip.

 

2.  Is there a music artist that you admire makeup and/or fashion-wise?

I could say Madonna again but that would just get us off to a really boring start!  I could say Lady Gaga but that would just be like me saying Madonna again anyway.  So I'm going to say Nicki Minaj and Beth Ditto.  

 

3.  What was your first concert experience?

I wish I had a really cool or really rocking story for you here.  But sadly, my first concert experience was The Dirty Dancing Tour.  Followed by many other lame concerts that I thought were cool at the time.  I haven't been to a concert in almost twenty years.  The last one that I saw was Boyz II Men and Babyface when I was 19 (I think).

 

4.  What is your 'guilty pleasure' singer or band?

Britney Spears.  Sad...I know.  But I love danceable music and most of the time she satisfies that for me.

 

5.  Can you play any instruments?

Yes!  Well...I used to.  I played the flute from fourth grade until my junior year of high school.  I also could play small snippets of music on a keyboard.  I'm not very musically gifted, but hey...it's something!

 

6.  Have you ever sang/danced/performed in front of an audience?

I performed in a plethora of school concerts both in the band and the chorus (I swear they will let any kid in, because...trust me...no one wants to hear me sing!)  I competed in two prepared speech contests in high school as well--and won second place in the regional competition.  Okay, so it was second place out of the two whole people who showed up...but I still got a trophy!  Also, my high school boyfriend/first husband and I won first place in our school's lip sync contest.  But as an adult, I have not performed anything for anyone.

 

7. What is your favorite song or a song with significant meaning?

Seriously?  A whole blog could be written about that!  I have too many songs that have special meanings.  I have whole playlists devoted to different feelings and meanings.  My "official" favorite songs are:  'Into the Groove' by Madonna and 'Buddy Holly' by Weezer.  I consider them to be my favorites because they always bring a smile to my face and make me feel happy.

 

8.  Is there a genre of music that you don't like?

Yep.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I do not like country music.  There are precious few exceptions to this rule for me.  I could probably count the number of country songs I like on my hands and have fingers left over.

 

9.  Who was your first musician crush?

I can remember this like it was yesterday!  I had bought a New Kids on the Block cassette (cassette!!! Damn, I'm old!!) almost a year prior to this moment.  I didn't really like it and I gave the tape to my sister.  It was summer vacation.  I was 13.  I was in my bedroom watching MTV and the video for "Hangin' Tough' came on.  And there was Donnie Wahlberg looking so hot in his leather jacket and ripped jeans.  It was love at first sight and I just had to get that cassette back from my sister!  We, like so many tweens in the late 80's, became die hard fans.  Good thing she liked Joey or we'd have been fighting!  

 

Bonus:  My current musician crush (and has been for the last ten years...so it's doubtful I'm de-crushing anytime soon) is Justin Timberlake.

 

Which leads me to the last question...

 

10.  Put your music player on shuffle.  What's the first song that pops up?

'Lovestoned (I Think She Knows)' by Justin Timberlake