"You see...you can't run away from your pain. Because wherever you run, there you will be. You have to learn to water your spiritual garden...then you will be free" ("Special" by Janet Jackson)
I've felt off lately. I've been really down on myself.
I've been comparing myself to others...others that I have absolutely no business comparing myself to. People I can't compete with...shouldn't compete with...
There's no competition to begin with...
I'm angry with them for being
better than me? themselves.
I'm sad because I'm just not measuring up to own over-inflated expectations.
I'm being petty and irrational...I KNOW THIS...and yet, I find myself sinking back into the same bad habits every time I talk myself out of them.
I've been walking for a while now. Trying to incorporate some much needed physical activity in my life. Everyone morning, between five and five-thirty, I put on my headphones and make my way up the hill.
I live at the bottom of a pretty large hill and, in small increments, have worked my way up to walking up to two miles every morning. I'm really happy with this and quite proud of my progress.
However...when your inner monologue is a miserable sack...well, that just sets the tone for a really crappy day!
I needed a sign like the photo above!
I needed something to tell me that all this negativity was NOT the way to go!
And while I didn't exactly get a sign...what I did get was a clearer head. With every minute I've spent out there in the morning...with every step I've taken...I've started to feel better.
I listen to my inner voice. She's hurting. For stupid reasons, for sure...but she's hurting nonetheless. That voice NEEDS to vent. Instead of pushing things out of my mind and pretending they don't exist, I've discovered that I need to really think things through...even wallow a little bit. Maybe brainstorm possible solutions.
I try to be very careful though. There's a big difference between letting it all out and letting it eat away at you.
I look forward to my early morning walks. What started as a a chore to possibly lose a few pounds has turned into my special time just for me--a meditation of sorts.
My inner monologue has turned from a miserable sack....to a slightly less miserable sack.
I'm a work in progress.....