Strenth of Character (GBE2 #58--Topic: Strength)

In the original GBE, one of my first posts was about pet peeves.  One of those peeves was when people pronounce the word 'strength' (or length) without the 'G' sound.  The sound of a person saying "strenth" or "lenth" can make me cringe like nails on a chalkboard.

Now, I realize that the pronunciation of these words is a regional thing.  Whether we use that g-sound in those words mostly depends on where in this country we've spent the majority of our years--much like whether you call your sparkly carbonated beverage soda or pop...or even just a coke.  It might be a peeve of mine but I understand that it's not wrong and I've never meant any insult to those who feel that G is silent.

But there's a reason why it's nails on a chalkboard for me.  And it has nothing to do with the words themselves...but rather the first person that I'd ever encountered that pronounced those words in that manner.

Mrs. Angerame.  My ninth grade math teacher.

Math has never been my strong suit.  Even as big a nerd as I claim to be, getting a passing grade in math was always a struggle.  Despite this, I'd been accelerated a year ahead in math since the sixth grade.  In my freshman year of high school, I was taking tenth grade math, which in New York State in the early 90's, meant geometry.

I was lost.  Not just lost in math....lost in just about every aspect of my life.  All my friends had deserted me (there is a post about that somewhere...) and my father had just died.  I spent most of my free time eating, writing, listening to music and eating some more.  My studies were lost in a sea of procrastination.  Looking back, I can plainly see what a mess I was...but at the time...well it just felt normal

When grades came in, my mom was displeased.  I needed to get back on track.  I needed to get serious.  A 30 in math was not going to fly in our family.

I went to my teacher.  I asked her if there was a time before school started that we could meet so that I could get some extra help.  I asked her if I could meet with her on my lunch break.  There were reasons why I could not stay after school but I tried to take responsibility and get the help that I needed.

She told me if I couldn't come after school then there was no way she could help me.

Each day spent in that class, I felt like I was drowning.  I asked for help.  I told her I didn't understand.  She made me feel small and stupid almost daily.

Then one day, she said something that angers me to this day.

"Stephanie, it's a wonder that you've been properly toilet trained seeing as you can't even comprehend simple math."

So...because I struggled to understand GEOMETRY (not simple math by a long shot...), I must be mentally deficient and should feel fortunate that I could even wipe my own ass.

From a teacher, that is absurdly unacceptable.

She has no idea how much that abusive comment affected me.  As the other students chuckled at her words, I felt ever smaller and more stupid.  I already felt like I didn't belong and this just made things worse.  I knew she was out of line but a small part of me was afraid that it might be true.  Being smart was who I was....my whole identity...if I didn't have that...well, then I had absolutely nothing to hold onto.

Somehow, even without her "simple math", I managed to go to college, have a rewarding job, get married and make some pretty amazing (and smart) babies.  I even manage that ass-wiping thing on a daily basis.  I'd like her to know that I turned out pretty damn great...no thanks to her.

Mostly, I'd like her to know that she failed that day--both as a teacher and a human being.  She had the power and the strength (or strenth) to help guide a student who had lost her way. 

But instead of building me up, she chose to knock me down.

I hope she's proud.









 

Work, Work, Work (GBE2 #33--Topic: Work)

I have the easiest job.

It's true. 

I work overnights in a home for developmentally disabled adults.  I am a "sleepover staff" which means that I'm allowed to sleep during the night.  My co-worker is the "awake staff"--he doesn't have the same luxury that I do.  He has to stay awake, clean the house and keep an eye on everyone during the night.

It's not all sleep for me though.  I have a small checklist of assignments that I need to complete.  In the morning, it is my job to pass all of the medications and to assist with getting the guys up and ready to go to work or school.  This isn't always an easy task because my guys can be very challenging at times.

But mostly...it's a piece of cake. 

I haven't always been this lucky.  For ten out of the last thirteen years (I took a break when Bear was born), I have worked with disabled adults in various types of residential programs.  I have worked with incredibly independent individuals, who barely needed assistance with anything and I've also worked in homes where the clients were completely dependent on me for every aspect of their care.  I've worked as a supervisor, a program manager, and an ordinary staff member.

I've cared for individuals with just about every developmental disability and mental illness that you can think of.

I've dealt with obsessive behaviors, obnoxious behaviors....aggressive, attention-seeking, and self-injurious behaviors.

I've been knee deep in practically every bodily fluid.

Sounds awful right?  Not to me.  I sincerely love what I do. It is absolutely the best job that I've ever had.

I fell into this work by accident.  I took a chance and applied for a job that I had zero qualifications for.  Up until then, all of my work experience involved the words "Would you like fries with that?"  But starting with that first job, I've felt that this field is where I belong. 

My guys have become family.  I care about them.  They are a part of my life as much as I am a part of theirs.  I go to sleep at night knowing that what I do is important...that I am making a difference in someone's life...even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

I just wish it paid more. 

With ten years experience, I don't make much more than I did when I first started.  My guys aren't physically demanding and I get to sleep for half my shift--so I don't complain much.  But not everyone who works in this field is as fortunate as I am and the work can be so much harder--physically, mentally, and emotionally.  You would think that caring for people....some of the most vulnerable people in our population...would be worth more than just a few dollars over minimum wage.

That's part of why I decided to go to nursing school.

I'm sure that nurses aren't paid what they are worth either.  But, from where I'm sitting financially, nursing looks like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

I'm graduating soon and I'll be looking for a job in the coming months.  I'm excited and petrified.  I'm really sad about leaving my guys...I've known some of them for longer than I've known my own children!

But I look forward to the new journey ahead of me.

What's In Your Bucket? (GBE #28--Topic: Bucket List)

This week's topic has me smiling--big time!  'My Bucket List' was my very first blog that I wrote for the original GBE. 

MY BUCKET LIST

1.  Get an education:  I've been working on this one for a while and I'm almost done.  Unless, I decide to be a glutton for punishment and keep pushing forward.

2.  Take a real vacation:  Someday, I'd like to be able to take a week and do something really cool with my family.  We've taken day trips and even did an overnight stay in a resort town once, but we've never had a real vacation.

3.  Move to Oregon:  Is it possible for someone to have a crush on a city?  If so, I'm crushing big time on Portland, Oregon.  The pacific northwest is where I long to be.  If not Portland, then hopefully somewhere close to it.

4.  Get serious about writing:  I have bits and pieces written....scraps of stories and poems...but nothing truly finished.  My husband tells me that I have a gift worth being serious about.  But I'm such a slacker, his encouragement often falls on deaf ears.  But it would be nice to actually finish something....

5.  Perfect a 'British' accent:  This one  is just goofy--and I know it!  At my house, I play around with the kids doing impressions, funny voices, and accents.  I do a passable southern accent.  I do an awesome 'New Yawk' accent.  I pretend that I have a passable Boston accent.  But I really would love to be able to walk around the house all day speaking with a British/English accent!  And, no matter how much I practice, I just can't get it right! 

6.  Live long enough to see all my children achieve their dreams and find their happiness:  enough said :)


So...what's on your bucket list?

Slacker Stephtee Goes to School GBE2 #17 (Topic: One year ago...)

One year ago....

A lot has happened in this past year.  I've had my share of happy and sad....my share of sane and even a few doses of lock-me-up-and-throw-away-the-key insanity.  I think I might have even grown and matured in some ways (it still counts...even if you regressed in other ways, right?)

But what I remember most about this time last year is school.

I had just completed my first semester of nursing school.

And I got straight A's.

School was always fairly easy to me.  I was never the kid that had to study.  I was that kid that could sit in class and listen to the teacher and, with no other work, could easily snag a B on the exam--if not higher. 

When I was younger it was always higher.  When I was a teenager, I became a slacker a little less concerned.

My father would never settle for anything less than straight A's.  And I was more than willing to give them to him--not that I really had a choice.  It was who I was.  It was who I was expected to be.  I was the nerd...the smart girl...the one who was going to achieve great things.  Then he passed away and I gave it all up and embraced my inner laziness.  I would do just as little as I needed to in order to get by and that's all anyone was getting out of me.  I didn't have to attain academic perfection anymore and I relished my new found freedom.

This attitude carried over into adulthood.  I never went to college....never settled into a career.  Having my babies WAS my accomplishment.  I was a proud mommy but there was always that nagging feeling inside.  That little voice that said it wasn't enough and that I was wasting my life away by not trying to reach my fullest potential. 

But I was a slacker through and through.  I'm even a slacker mom!  I don't do PTO...I don't do sports.  I'm not a baker of special treats or a hostess of never-ending sleepovers.  I tend to specialize more in the let's cuddle up and read a good book together or talk about our day type of parenting. 

There was no way I could go back to school--I never finish anything that I start!

But once I got started, I fell in love with learning all over again!  I was embracing my nerditude and pushing for those straight A's--only this time they were for myself.  I haven't always gotten them but I'm working on being more accepting of the occasional B.

Graduation is in five months and I will be a Licensed Practical Nurse. (Well, I will be once I get licensed anyway...) 

I'm not sure what I plan on doing after that.  I love my job but I despise my company.  I love my co workers and the individuals that I help care for.  But I also want to make more money and have a 'better' job. 

Sometimes, I hear 'Slacker Stephtee' calling me.  She tells me that I've had enough school and that I should just go find a job and get back to life as it was before.  She tells me that I'm lucky to have a job that pays me to sleep and to hang onto it for as long as I possibly can.

But....I know that being an RN is where the real money and respect is at (or at least that is how it appears from where I'm standing right now) and I really DO enjoy going to school.  I used to know exactly where my life was heading and now I'm living in a constant state of uncertainty about it all.  I had no idea that so much would change in a year--that going to school would change me too.

There is a great deal of Slacker Stephtee still in me.

But I get to be the smart girl...the nerd girl too.

And who knows?  Maybe I can still achieve great things!