Moving Away? (GBE2 #116 Topic: First Steps)

I have a huge decision to make.

I want to make a gigantic change in my life.

I want to move.

 

 Not just around the corner or up the street.  Not to a nearby town or city.  Not even to a neighboring state.

I want to move ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!!!

( Portland Baby!! My My dream wedding here I come!!!)

If you know me...or you've read this blog...then you may know that I've been having a love affair with the city of Portland for years.  Once I visited, the deal was sealed and I've wanted to be there ever since.

We've discussed it in the past.  We planned to move when all the kids were out of the house.  But recently, we've started feeling antsy...like a BIG change is just what we need.  

We've devised a plan.  We have a tentative date picked out.  Most importantly, we'll actually have the money to do it!  

Some of the kids are excited.  Some just flat out don't want to go.  I'm torn between making them happy and making one of my biggest dreams come true.  I'm torn between doing something terribly exciting and keeping things comfortable.

What if I can't find a job?  What if all the money runs out before we really get a handle on our new life?  

What if everyone hates it and they all resent me forever?

What if we all die from dysentery on the way?

What if?  What if?  What if?

I'm not taking this decision lightly.  I think about it every single day.  We talk about it constantly.  I keep telling people " I'm not comfortable with saying that we're actually going...but man, I sure want to..."

It is such a scary idea.

I'm so confused.

I guess for now we'll keep talking...researching and dreaming...working out the kinks in our plan.

Until...hopefully...we're ready to take the first step.

Living Well Is the Best Revenge (GBE2 #115 Topic: Faith)

I go out of my way to try NOT to write about autism.  

For starters, there are so many other bloggers that do a much better job of capturing life with autism than I feel I could.

And then...my life with autism...isn't really all that difficult.  I see what other parents go through...what other children have to endure...the lives of some of the individuals that I have cared for during the course of my career...and I figure that I'm pretty damn lucky!

On their worst days, my kids just seem to be a little weird. 

Nathan can come across as kind of a jerk...uncaring...cold...a kid who has no use for the world around him or the people in it.  It's just his way...personal connections are difficult for him and sometimes, I think he'd prefer it if we all communicated in the virtual world--his comfort zone being almost strictly behind a keyboard.  But there can just as many moments when he does engage with us and his smile and sarcastic sense of humor--that took forever for him to develop (he had no idea we were joking for years!!)--light up the entire room.  

Bear is Nathan's opposite.  He loves to interact...too much sometimes.  He loves to ramble on and on (and on...) about his favorite topics:  the video games, Minecraft and Skyrim, and watching videos on Youtube.  Even at the age of almost eleven...and at the size of a small adult...his favorite place to be is wedged between Jeff and I on the couch with me scratching some part of his body.  He walks around the house with "t-rex arms" and spins around and/or flaps his hands (what he has named "advanced jazz hands") whenever he hears the theme song to the television show "The Big Bang Theory". 

Nathan has one really good friend.  Bear maintains that his family are the only friends he needs.

While Nathan tends to keep things inside and doesn't like to talk about what's bothering him, Bear freaks out about almost anything and is prone to meltdowns over seemingly minor things.  As Bear has matured, the meltdowns have become smaller and easier to come back from...but they still happen...frequently.

These differences, I think, are why Bear was easily diagnosed at the age of five but Nathan wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was fifteen.  Bear can be loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Nathan is generally quiet and well-mannered.  Adults like Nathan because, even when he was younger, he acted like a tiny adult.  Bear's emotional and social age is at least 3 years younger than he actually is.  A ten year old, who is five feet tall and weighs 150 pounds, having a "temper tantrum" like a five year old isn't an easy pill to swallow for people who just don't get it.

All of Bear's life, people have shunned him.  Sometimes he notices....sometimes he doesn't.  And sometimes, people pull me aside to tell me what a rotten child he is and how it's all our fault!

Sometimes...they say these things when he is in earshot! 

We didn't discipline him enough.

We coddle him.

He isn't really on the autism spectrum--we're just bad parents.

He doesn't need special ed--just a good smack every once in a while.

He should know better not to give us a hard time by this age.

You dropped the ball with this kid...shame on you!!

Sometimes, these statements come from people who are supposed to be loving and supportive.

Often, the very idea that people feel that way--when they are supposed to love us unconditionally--causes more pain and anger than I can handle.

But I have faith.

Not necessarily in them...but in my kid.  That he will continue to be the happy, charming, amazing kid he's always been...and that he will grow into an even more amazing adult.

Proof...

that we never dropped the ball....

Eleventy-seven Questions

A little while ago Gill from Mojo Writin (Bright Blessings) tagged me to do this eleven-tag thing.  Being the colossal procrastinator that I am, I totally forgot about it kind of pushed it aside, until today, when I saw Beth (Word Nerd Speaks) take on this tag from about eleventy bajillion people.

Since today is pretty much a lazy day for me, I figured it might be fun to actually do it.  I'm going to do both Gill's and Beth's questions (since she tagged anyone and everyone!) but I'm not going to tag anyone myself.  This tag surely won't die with me and, honestly, I'm not feeling ambitious enough to come up with people to tag :-)

Eleven Things About Me!

1. In the last couple of months, we've adopted three senior cats.  Two girls, Big Mama and Bob, and one boy, Graphite.

2. Since doing this, I've discovered that I am actually a cat person.  More specifically--a fat cat person. I fell in love with Big Mama at first sight...she weighs in at 20 pounds!!  Bob weighs about 13 pounds.  I don't know...there's something about a fat cat that makes me smile.

3. I am making split pea soup for dinner.  I am a great soup maker.  I can make a tasty soup out of just about anything.

4. I've always hated mint.  Until very recently.  Lately I've been grabbing every chocolate/mint flavored item I can get.  Weird.

5. I do not own one pair of single color socks.  All my socks are wild crazy patterns.

6. Whales are my favorite mammal.

7. I absolutely love reading to my kids. 

8. I keep my spare change in an actual piggy bank,   She's a pink pig wearing a tutu and tiara.  I call her Priscilla.

9. I love perfumes that smell like food.  My recent favorite is called Un-Birthday. It smells like candy and it is awesome.

10. I have a job interview on Friday...send me positive vibes!

11. I am nowhere near interesting enough to come up with eleven things.

Now...for Gill's questions...

1. What is the first book you remember reading as a child? I read a lot of books!  The first one that comes to mind is the Sweet Pickles series.  I used to love those!

2. Have you ever owned a fad toy--such as a tamogotchi?  When I was a kid, I had cabbage patch kids and collected garbage pail kids cards.  That counts right?

3. What was your favorite childhood game? Clue.  Hands down.  I still love playing Clue.  Second would probably be word games like Scrabble and Boggle.

4. Can your body do anything strange--such as ear wiggling?  I can do the taco tongue thing.  My toes also can spread really wide apart.  I have pretty talented toes.  When I was young, I could flip the record I was listening to and restart it all with my toes.

5. If you had to spend the rest of your life in one room, who would you take for companionship?  I can't imagine anyone would want to spend forever with just me.  That's a punishment I wouldn't want to inflict...they'd go crazy for sure.

6. Do you have a friend who knows to wipe your computer should you suddenly die? No...and I don't think there is anything on here that I would be embarrassed for anyone to see anyway.

7. What is the worst grammar pet peeve that you have?  Oh but there are sooo many!  They're/their/there...your/you're....to/two/too...I see people say that they 'half to go to the store'  that irks the crap out of me.

8. You can go back and change one life decision--would you?  Nope...I'd keep it all the same.

9. You're coming back to this world as an animal--which one?  An orca whale.

10. Would you confront someone who was doing something illegal--such as littering or cycling on the pavement--if there were signs forbidding it?  I'd probably make some sort of obnoxious passive-agressive comment in a loud-ish voice.  I'm not big on confrontations.

11. What sound can make your heart miss a beat and a smile break out unbidden?  The sound of my children laughing and playing nicely.  

Now for Beth's questions.... 

1. When did you start feeling like a grown-up? I'm not sure I've reached that point yet.  I mean...I know I am...I'm almost 40...but it sure doesn't feel like it.


2. What celebrity made your heart go pitter-patter when you were a kid/tween/teen?  First it was Corey Feldman (my sister was the Corey Haim fan) then it was Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids On The Block.


3. What song do you and your sweetie think of as “your” song? We really don't have one.  There's been a few over the years that have been more like inside jokes but no real "our song".


4. Do you consider yourself patriotic? Why or why not? I wouldn't say that I'm overly patriotic.  That being said, when blatantly anti-American comments are being made, it does make me irritable.


5. What is something you once believed, but no longer do? Santa?  Tooth Fairy?


6. Jean shorts: Just fine or a sure sign of extreme dorkiness? I think it depends on the style of jean shorts.  They aren't my style but I've seen many people pull them off nicely.


7. Has an infomercial ever prompted you to make a purchase? If so, what did you buy? Nope, I can't say that I have bought anything. 


8. What snack do you have hidden in the back of the cupboard/fridge? Nothing especially decadent today.  I do have snap peas and salsa.  Healthy and tasty!


9. What book or movie seemed to speak to the masses, but didn’t do much for you? Fifty Shades of Grey.  It's just so badly written. I feel like it has an underlying message that risque sex practices and abuse/trauma are always linked.  That seems like a bad message to me.  And I honestly don't know how she got away with using "he smelled like Christian" that many times to describe his scent.  Ummmm....hello?  We can't really smell him...you have to do better than that!


10. What do you wear to bed?  Four days a week, I sleep at work.  I just wear whatever I put on to go to work that day.  At home, it's usually shorts and a t-shirt or some similar combination.


11. Is there a story of you as a child that your parents told so many times that it became part of your history? Something cute or funny you said or did, maybe? Care to share?  I can't really think of anything.  Maybe I was a pretty boring child ;-)

Right Now, Today (GBE2 #48 Topic: Now)

It's a lazy Saturday evening and this is a lazy Saturday post!  Sometimes you just need a day to be a little lazy...right?  Although the day was rather uneventful, there were some really spectacular parts thrown in.  So without further ado.....

Things I LOVE right now, today!

1.  The feeling of accomplishment that happens when I walk the entire perimeter or Joralemon Park.

2.  Baked apples with splenda and cinnamon.  It's like pie without the pie--or the guilt! 

3.  Two hour naps in the middle of the afternoon.

4.  Donut Shop Chocolate Glazed Donut flavored coffee.  Yum.

5.  Marathon of Supernatural with Jeff, Addy, and Bear.  We love the creepy adventures of the Winchester brothers.

6.  Lounging around with no makeup on, wearing my favorite jeans and Run-DMC t-shirt.  Lazy day couture!

7.  Rain and cool breezes.

8.  Music by Gossip.  My personal soundtrack for weeks.  The family is probably ready to beat me. (Oh no!  Not this AGAIN!!!)

9.  Cuddling up with my tubby kitty, Big Mama.

10. "Starfish kisses" from Mathias. (Kisses where he stays stuck to my cheek like a suction cup.)

Have a spectacular weekend everyone!!

A Walk In The Woods (GBE2 #47 Topic: Home)

It's spring break and we've been trying to get the kids out of the house.  I've been forfeiting my "dance" workout and heading out to the park instead.  While Jeff plays a few holes of disc golf and the kids play on the playground, I've been donning my headphones and doing my version of a power-walk around the perimeter of the park.

I even got ten leaves on my fitbit flower the other day.  It's been a nice change of pace.

The park is small and quiet...almost no one goes there.  It's a gem in our community that isn't utilized to it's fullest potential.  There are trails that can be hiked...a creek for swimming...the possibilities are endless.

Today, Bear was sad.  I found him sitting with his dad.  He said he was sad and didn't know why.  I had a hunch....but I didn't want to push him.  I did what any nature-hating mom should do in these circumstances.

I agreed to a one on one hike...IN THE WOODS...just mommy and Bear. 

I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy this, but I thought it was just what he needed.  And, sure enough, as soon as we started walking, Bear started talking.  We covered why he was sad and quickly moved on to other topics.

He's quite the chatty boy.

Look Mommy, tires!  Why are there tires in the woods?  Hey!  That looks like scrap metal over there!  Do you think it's an oven?  Or maybe it's a time capsule...wouldn't that be really cool??  Remember that time we went geocaching in this park?  We never did find that cache.  Maybe we should look again.  Are you happy that I'll be going to a new school in the fall.  I can't wait to torture Nathan just by riding the same school bus.  Are these OUR footprints?  Or...maybe they are ninja footprints!  Yeah!  That's it!!  Maybe there are chuck-wearing girl ninjas out here running around.  Do you think it's weird that I can do different voices?  (Then did his very best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression and his other voice that sounds like Gloamer from the old Punky Brewster cartoon.  Anyone besides me remember that?)

We came to the creek.  It wasn't the swimming area, but rather a portion that was extremely shallow.  A rickety bridge connected the two banks...although it looked entirely possible to cross the creek by walking across the rocks that lined it's bottom.  I was unsure and a little afraid....but Bear quickly crossed the bridge and taunted me from the other side.

Come on Mommy!  You can walk across the rocks.  It'll be easy.  I was brave and took the bridge but you don't have to.  Really Mommy, just cross the rocks.  I bet you don't even get wet.  I'll make it worth your while....


Oh yeah?  How so, little boy?


By giving you a big hug and kiss!  Seriously...how could I refuse an offer like that?

Tentatively, I crossed the rocks.  My feet slipped into the water a few times but the important thing is that I made it. 

As he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek, I was swept up by just how much I love this little boy...how much I love all my children.

If home is where the heart is...then my home was in the woods today.

Twelve Moments (GBE #44: Make A List and Title it)

1. I got to sleep until 8:37 today.  For me, that is the equivalent of someone else sleeping until noon.

2. The seeds that Jeff, the kids and I planted are starting to sprout. 

3. Mathias is missing his two front teeth and, when he smiles, he kind of looks like a vampire.

4. Addy wrote a joke of the day on my white board (something that I have been doing) What does a student write to math?  Dear Math, I am not a therapist.  Go solve your own problems.

5. My new haircut looks really good!

6. The weather was not too hot...not too cold.  Just perfect.

7. My very good friend from school passed her boards and is now, officially, a nurse.

8. Jeff told me I looked sexy.

9. We went grocery shopping and now have a house fully stocked with food.

10. My newly adopted cat, Big Mama, ambled her big 'ol behind out onto the balcony to sunbathe.  She looked like she's been living here for years.

11. Bear and Mathias playing together nicely while I write this list.  I have extremely adorable boys who are both mighty passionate about legos.

12. Nathan voluntarily walked up to me, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me.

Title:  Twelve Moments from Today That Brought Me Joy

Busted! (GBE2 #43 Topic: Shenanigans)

With four kids running around this house, I am no stranger to shenanigans.

Sometimes it's cute and amusing....other times it's enough to make me want to bang my head against the wall.

And sometimes....there is utter satisfaction in busting one of my kids.  I can't possibly be the only who feels this way, right?  There are just these moments when I've assembled all of the evidence, prepared my arguments, and my counter-arguments...these moments when I am completely in the zone and I WILL crack whichever kid is suspected of whatever "crime" I'm investigating. 

Eat your heart out Law and Order, you don't having anything on detective Mom.

Last week, I had one of those moments.  My oldest son's English teacher had sent me an email about a missing homework assignment.  A whole paper that had been due last week but hadn't been turned in yet.  This was after the child told us every night that he was finished with his homework.  This was after he had been working so hard (or so we thought...) for weeks trying to work on improving his grades.  Just a few days before, he had brought home a report from another teacher that his science grade had gone up about twenty points. 

He was doing great.  We were so proud.

Except now I was mad that he'd been fibbing about his homework for a week.

And I was ready pounce.

I hadn't busted anybody in a while.  I had visions of Xbox restrictions dancing in my head.

Oh you think you're soooo smart don't ya kid.  You didn't think we'd find out about that English paper.  Well guess what?  No xbox, no computer, no cell phone, no anything until I see a complete paper in my hands that I can read!!!  Bwhahahaha!!! 
I expected excuses...and arguing...lots of arguing..because that's what teenagers do best.  But I was ready for him.  This kid wasn't going to know what hit him!

He strolled in the house at three o'clock and headed straight for the Xbox.  I wouldn't do that if I were you...his father warned...your mom wants to talk to you.

BAM!  I laid it all out for him and I waited for the teenage outburst to ensue.

Instead, he said "OK, Mom.  I'll do it right now." and then he sat down at the computer and typed his paper...even asking my opinion every now and then. 

He did everything he was supposed to do.  Without an argument!  Within the hour, there was a typed paper in my hands for me to read.  It sounded pretty good too!

How dare he do the right thing and take all the joy out of being "the mean mom"!!??

I don't know if I can stand for these shenanigans!  :-)

The Next Fifteen Years (GBE# 36 Topic: TIME)

"Hi!  My name is Nathan and I'm gonna be a soldier when I grow up!"

These were the first words my son ever said to me.  He was three, very small for his age with a shaggy mop of blond hair.  His enormous blue eyes were framed by the longest lashes I had ever seen.  Seriously.... women pay huge sums of money to achieve what this little guy came by naturally.

He couldn't pronounce my name.  He called me Stephtee--a name I still use today.

It wasn't love at first sight--for either of us.  I had absolutely no experience with children.  Nathan was used to being cared for by his grandmother.  After Jeff and Nathan's mother went their separate ways, Jeff's mother assumed most of the parenting duties while Jeff was working.  It took some time before Jeff and I figured out what type of parents we wanted to be and we definitely made lots of mistakes along the way.

But without even realizing it, one day I just felt like a mom.

My own mom is actually my step-mother.  My father always taught me "There is no such thing as step".  My mom is my mom.  My sisters are my sisters.  We are a family.  Once I was pregnant with Addy, I knew that was a rule we needed to embrace.

In our house,  there is no such thing as step AND there are no half-siblings. 

We are a family.  Plain and simple.

I never asked Nathan to call me 'Mom'...in fact, he used to call both his moms by their first names.  Shortly after Bear was born, Nathan asked me if he should start calling me 'Mom'.  I told him that it didn't matter what he called me because I knew, in my heart, that I was his mom.

When he hugged me and told me that he'd decided to start calling me 'Mom', I cried.  It was, to date, one of the happiest moments of my life.

Twelve years...three more kids...a million arguments....laughter....joy....tears....and, occasionally....some fun.  Where does the time go?

Tuesday, my oldest son is turning fifteen!  The blonde hair has since turned to brown but he still has some of the bluest eyes around (rivaled only by his little brother).  Those lashes are still long and full...so much that they rub against his glasses when he blinks--which drives him nuts.  More importantly, he's turned into such a smart, funny, and interesting young man.

I'm amazed by how quickly the time is passing and how fast my little boy is growing up.

I can't wait to see how he turns out.

Bring on the next fifteen years!!

(No pics because....you know....he's too cool to have his picture taken these days)

Goals For the New Year

New Year's resolutions.

Every year I make them.  And every year I break them.  I'm not quite sure as to why I even make them anymore.  Maybe it's tradition.  Maybe it's just the idea of starting fresh in the new year....a brand new me that I can mold and shape into something more desirable. 

Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Whatever the reason, I have set some goals for myself in 2012. 

1.  Be More Organized:  This is primarily directed towards the healthcare of my family.  We were without health insurance for quite some time, and I've fallen out of the habit of making appointments and staying on top of which child needs to be seen on which day and for what reason.  I envy those kinds of moms....you know the ones I'm talking about....the ones with the color coded day planners or the ones with every detail of the day strategically entered into their smartphones. I am not that mom.  I am not going to try and be that mom.  But I am going to attempt a better system of coordinating health care for my family.  I even bought a planner...if only I could remember where I put it.

2.  Take Better Care of Myself:  I could say that I'm going to lose weight.  And I'll probably try.  I usually do.  I'll be really good for a little while until I break down and eat one of my "trigger foods" (tacos or toast...perhaps?) and then all hell breaks loose.  I'm not going to depress myself with a goal that I've been trying and failing to attain for the majority of my life.  Instead, I'm going to focus more specifically on something I actually believe I can change. 

I'm awful at taking medications. 

There are two medications that I'm supposed to take daily.  They aren't for horrifying health conditions but they are for conditions that, if not treated, can lead to bigger problems down the road.  I'm honestly a child when it comes to taking pills...if someone doesn't hound me relentlessly--I won't take them.  If anyone can think of a way to help me with this goal....I am VERY open to suggestions. 

This goal will also involve using my CPAP machine every night and drinking more water than coffee and soda. 

Overall, I think these small changes are attainable and--combined--could achieve big results.

3.  Be More Organized:  Are you sensing a theme here?  This goal of better organization is aimed at my makeup collection.  I have a very nice setup for my stash--at least I think that I do.  But more often than not, that setup looks as though it has thrown up on itself.  I usually have to call my daughter in to look at my vanity area--"with a fresh pair of eyes"--to find whatever item I'm currently searching for.  I cleaned and organized the area this morning....only time will tell if I can keep it that way.

4.  Read More/Write More:  I've read two books in the last two weeks....so that's a great start on this goal.  I read tons of blogs and articles online every day but I'm thinking more along the lines of getting away from the screen and having some quiet moments with a good book.  I've been slacking on both of my blogs...mostly due to school (which is almost over--woohoo!).  I have so many ideas bouncing around in my head.  If only I could stop being a slacker long enough to get them written down. :-)



Most of these resolutions will probably be broken before I even start. 

But that's what's so great about resolutions--I can try again next year!

Have you made any resolutions for the new year?

Post-Holiday Rantings (GBE2 #32--15 Minute Free-Write)

This week we weren't given a topic to write about.  Instead, we were instructed to free-write for fifteen minutes and post our thoughts--warts and all.


All is quiet here at home...the kids are driving me crazy...or rather, they were driving me crazy earlier.  School vacations don't sit well with me.  I hate the upheaval of my routine and the utter chaos they bring to my days.  Simultaneously, I look forward to seeing them and spending time with them.  It's a neverending circle, I suppose.  Christmas was nice.  I'm trying really hard not to freak out over the fact that it's only been two days and most of their toys and/or pieces of toys can not be located.  Trying not to bug out over the fact that I've already stepped on eleventy-seven pieces of rock hard play-doh and random lego blocks.  Nathan has refused to remove his new fleece, cammo jammie pants...he says they are the most comfortable thing he's ever worn.  I suppose I should fight him for them and put them in the wash....eh...what's one more day when you're on vacation?  Bear seems to love all of his stuff...he was playing a live action Angry Birds game with the plushie birds he received.  He seems most enamored with a pig puppet that I stuck in his stocking that I had bought at the dollar store.  I wrote "tea cup pig" on it's chest with a sharpie.  It's an inside joke between us that stems from an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother'.  Addy has been hounding everyone to play Apples to Apples and Beyblades with her.  Mathias told me he didn't like any of his gifts.  But that's just because he got caught trying to steal Bear's bionicles.  Everyone seems happy and I'm glad.  I really enjoyed getting together with family on Christmas Eve.  And my mom, for the first time in the history of ever, got me a gift that not only will I enjoy and find useful...it was a gift that showed she was actually thinking of ME.  That never happens.  It might have only been a Sephora gift card but it meant the world to me and actually made me tear up a little.  So now Christmas is over and we can get back to normal.  I am very much looking forward to normal.  Normal is comforting and calm.  Peaceful.  And Happy.  And the kids just started arguing again...a mom's work is never done.

Spirit of Christmas--GBE#31 (Topic: Wonder)

In 2002, I couldn't find my Christmas spirit.  I kept looking for it...I kept waiting for it to turn up...but it just wasn't happening.

We had little to no money.  Our car had broken.  Jeff had to change jobs because of it.  I wasn't working because I had just given birth to Bear four weeks earlier.  I was battling post-partum depression and Jeff's mother was in the hospital.

We had 250 dollars scraped together to get Christmas presents for three kids.  Addy, who was fourteen months old at the time, had removed and broken EVERY decoration on our tree.

I was done with Christmas before it had even started.

I was going through the motions...trying so hard to be jolly.  I kept telling myself that if I kept pretending to be cheerful, I'd eventually get bitten by the Christmas bug. 

"Fake it 'til you make it" became my holiday mantra--with little success.

On Christmas Eve, we had our first annual party as a family--a tradition we still do every year.  It was just Jeff, myself and the kids that year....and a tiny "spread" that included a bowl of chips, a small platter of sandwich meat, and a small relish tray. 

While we munched on our goodies....it started to snow.

Now, if you know me or you've read this blog before....you probably know that I hate snow.  I detest it with a burning fire that I can't even begin to put into words.  But on Christmas Eve, it's kind of...maybe just a little bit....okay. 

The snow began to fall harder.  After Addy and Bear were laid down for the night, Nathan, Jeff and I went out on the front porch to peek at the snowfall and we saw the most amazing sight...

The town we lived in at the time had lined the streets with candles.  The whole neighborhood was glowing with candlelight as the snow silently fell to the ground.  It was so beautiful...standing on our porch...candles all around us....enveloped in that deep, solemn quiet that only happens during a snowfall. 

I was filled with wonder and awe....and finally....some Christmas spirit.

That snowstorm turned into a blizzard that left us snowed in and housebound--but we really didn't mind.

Not only was it Bear's first Christmas, it was also the first time Addy had some sort of understanding about the holidays.  And...it was the only Christmas that Nathan spent entirely with us--because his biological mom was snowed in too. 

Each Christmas, We strive to make it "the best year ever".  We run around like crazy people trying to make all our kids' wishes come true.  We try to make memories for them that will last forever.

But for me, watching the snow fall by candlelight, while my babies slept, is my favorite memory.

We might not have had much, but we had each other.

And that is the spirit of Christmas.

What's In Your Bucket? (GBE #28--Topic: Bucket List)

This week's topic has me smiling--big time!  'My Bucket List' was my very first blog that I wrote for the original GBE. 

MY BUCKET LIST

1.  Get an education:  I've been working on this one for a while and I'm almost done.  Unless, I decide to be a glutton for punishment and keep pushing forward.

2.  Take a real vacation:  Someday, I'd like to be able to take a week and do something really cool with my family.  We've taken day trips and even did an overnight stay in a resort town once, but we've never had a real vacation.

3.  Move to Oregon:  Is it possible for someone to have a crush on a city?  If so, I'm crushing big time on Portland, Oregon.  The pacific northwest is where I long to be.  If not Portland, then hopefully somewhere close to it.

4.  Get serious about writing:  I have bits and pieces written....scraps of stories and poems...but nothing truly finished.  My husband tells me that I have a gift worth being serious about.  But I'm such a slacker, his encouragement often falls on deaf ears.  But it would be nice to actually finish something....

5.  Perfect a 'British' accent:  This one  is just goofy--and I know it!  At my house, I play around with the kids doing impressions, funny voices, and accents.  I do a passable southern accent.  I do an awesome 'New Yawk' accent.  I pretend that I have a passable Boston accent.  But I really would love to be able to walk around the house all day speaking with a British/English accent!  And, no matter how much I practice, I just can't get it right! 

6.  Live long enough to see all my children achieve their dreams and find their happiness:  enough said :)


So...what's on your bucket list?

Best. Surprise. Ever. (GBE2 #26 Topic: Surprise)

Before I start, I just wanted say....Holy Guacamole!  We're on week 26 of GBE2?!  A half a year has gone by already!  That's amazing.  I am so thankful to be a part of this group and for the opportunities you guys give me to take a peek into your worlds week after week.  And...thank you Beth for going through this with us every week and for being our "leader".  (((Super Big Hugs))) to all my fellow GBE-ers!  Congratulations on fantastic 26 weeks!


In early 2002, life was just about perfect. 

In just a little over a year, Jeff, Nathan and I had gone from being three virtual strangers struggling to get to know one another to being a real honest-to-goodness family.  Then, in September of 2001, we'd welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our lives.

I never even thought I would have one kid--and now I was lucky enough to have two!  I was quite pleased with my little family.  More kids were not in the equation....at least not yet.  Addy was only four months old..we could revisit that idea once she got to kindergarten....

One night...a night where we threw common sense and better judgement out the window....a night where we totally didn't think at all thought with our parts instead of our brains....

One night changed everything.

The realization that I was pregnant--AGAIN--after just giving birth four months before was tough pill to swallow.  This was no blessed bundle of joy.  This wasn't a reason to get excited. 

I remember Jeff looking to me and asking me what I wanted to do about this pregnancy and solemnly telling him "Well, we've made our bed...and now we have to lie in it"   

But, I didn't want to have this baby.  I beat myself up with guilt.  What kind of mother feels that away about her own baby??!!  How could I be a good mother after this?

I was scared.  Hell, I was terrified. 

Not only was this another baby but it was also back to back babies.  I had visions of two cribs, two sets of bottles and diapers.  Never-ending years of sleepless nights, formulas stained shirts, sticky hands and potty training accidents.  I barely knew how to take care of the baby I already had....how was I supposed to take care of another baby at the same time!

Chasing around a toddler while trying to care for a newborn AND a kindergartener seemed like a one way ticket to insanity.

And that's exactly how it was.

Mostly.

Except for when it wasn't.

Parents are amazing creatures with the capacity for great feats of adaptation.  Adding one more baby to the mix never really felt like it changed anything much--at least not in a negative way.  I won't ever say it was easy but Jeff and I made it through....and  now that those two babies are almost to middle school...I can say it wasn't ever as difficult as I'd imagined that it would be.

Living with Bear isn't always sunshine and rainbows.  In fact, there are some days when I want to pull my hair out piece by piece.  Loud days where the words "personal space" have no meaning.  Days where everything I say and do causes meltdown after meltdown.  Days where he sits on the couch repeating the same word or phrase over and over and over.....and over.  Days where, from the corner of my eye, I can see his index finger heading towards my cheek--to lightly poke me--for the seventeenth time.

But I can't imagine this family without his unique style and personality.  I can't imagine my life without him in it.

He became the blessed bundle of joy that I didn't know that I wanted.  The one that I didn't know that I needed.

My 'happy accident'.

My 'Ooops! Baby'

My Bear.

The best surprise ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAR!!

(he affectionately calls me 'old lady')

(The Halloween Store is one of his favorite stores. Here, the ghouls are sucking out his soul! )