Living Well Is the Best Revenge (GBE2 #115 Topic: Faith)

I go out of my way to try NOT to write about autism.  

For starters, there are so many other bloggers that do a much better job of capturing life with autism than I feel I could.

And then...my life with autism...isn't really all that difficult.  I see what other parents go through...what other children have to endure...the lives of some of the individuals that I have cared for during the course of my career...and I figure that I'm pretty damn lucky!

On their worst days, my kids just seem to be a little weird. 

Nathan can come across as kind of a jerk...uncaring...cold...a kid who has no use for the world around him or the people in it.  It's just his way...personal connections are difficult for him and sometimes, I think he'd prefer it if we all communicated in the virtual world--his comfort zone being almost strictly behind a keyboard.  But there can just as many moments when he does engage with us and his smile and sarcastic sense of humor--that took forever for him to develop (he had no idea we were joking for years!!)--light up the entire room.  

Bear is Nathan's opposite.  He loves to interact...too much sometimes.  He loves to ramble on and on (and on...) about his favorite topics:  the video games, Minecraft and Skyrim, and watching videos on Youtube.  Even at the age of almost eleven...and at the size of a small adult...his favorite place to be is wedged between Jeff and I on the couch with me scratching some part of his body.  He walks around the house with "t-rex arms" and spins around and/or flaps his hands (what he has named "advanced jazz hands") whenever he hears the theme song to the television show "The Big Bang Theory". 

Nathan has one really good friend.  Bear maintains that his family are the only friends he needs.

While Nathan tends to keep things inside and doesn't like to talk about what's bothering him, Bear freaks out about almost anything and is prone to meltdowns over seemingly minor things.  As Bear has matured, the meltdowns have become smaller and easier to come back from...but they still happen...frequently.

These differences, I think, are why Bear was easily diagnosed at the age of five but Nathan wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was fifteen.  Bear can be loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Nathan is generally quiet and well-mannered.  Adults like Nathan because, even when he was younger, he acted like a tiny adult.  Bear's emotional and social age is at least 3 years younger than he actually is.  A ten year old, who is five feet tall and weighs 150 pounds, having a "temper tantrum" like a five year old isn't an easy pill to swallow for people who just don't get it.

All of Bear's life, people have shunned him.  Sometimes he notices....sometimes he doesn't.  And sometimes, people pull me aside to tell me what a rotten child he is and how it's all our fault!

Sometimes...they say these things when he is in earshot! 

We didn't discipline him enough.

We coddle him.

He isn't really on the autism spectrum--we're just bad parents.

He doesn't need special ed--just a good smack every once in a while.

He should know better not to give us a hard time by this age.

You dropped the ball with this kid...shame on you!!

Sometimes, these statements come from people who are supposed to be loving and supportive.

Often, the very idea that people feel that way--when they are supposed to love us unconditionally--causes more pain and anger than I can handle.

But I have faith.

Not necessarily in them...but in my kid.  That he will continue to be the happy, charming, amazing kid he's always been...and that he will grow into an even more amazing adult.

Proof...

that we never dropped the ball....

Love Potion #74 (The Story Cabin #1--Fever)

 The writing prompt for this exercise was "Fever" by Peggy Lee.  This is one of my most favorite songs.  The first time I heard it was in a witchcraft store when I was a teen. Other than that one fact, this story is a complete work of fiction.  Enjoy!

When Samantha was a teenager, her best friend dragged her to a witchcraft store.  It was smoky and dark.  The scent of incense hung heavy in the air, clinging to her like a humid summer day.  The clerk…a ‘60’s throwback complete with tie dye and bell bottoms…sat behind the counter with a hazy, glassy-eyed expression on her face.  Samantha had figured the older woman was high on something but didn’t really give her much thought beyond that.  She was too busy drinking in her environment.  Boy, if her mother knew that she was here….well... she would be in so much trouble.  Samantha’s mother took these sorts of things seriously and would most definitely freak out if she knew that HER daughter was even entertaining the notion of witches, magick, or a way of life that fell short of normal.

But Sam wasn’t really exploring the notion of anything.  It was Kendall that brought her here.  It was Kendall that was determined put her own mother into cardiac arrest by coming home with a book of spells or some other piece of witch paraphernalia that her mother would certainly disapprove of.  Kendall was the rebel in this duo—not Sam.  Kendall was the one who wanted shock value.  Nevertheless, Sam thoroughly enjoyed the dangerous thrill she experienced as she crept around the shop. 

 Zip-loc baggies of herbs lined one wall and books…what seemed like thousands of books…covered almost every shelf.  Jars labeled with things like ‘Dragon’s Blood’ and ‘Eye of Newt’ were neatly lined up on tables in the middle of the room.  This cannot be for real…she thought, and giggled quietly under her breath.  People actually buy this stuff??  People actually think this stuff is real??  Samantha was beside herself with disbelief.  She knew that Kendall didn’t really believe in any of this nonsense.  That girl just wanted to get a rise out of people.  And, as thrilling as going behind her own mother’s back and going into that shop was, Sam knew, in her heart, that magick was just the invention of talented storytellers.

Kendall filled her shopping basket with a few books and various ingredients to make some potion or another and brought her items to the counter.  She quickly paid and motioned for Sam to follow her out of the shop.  As she turned to leave, the clerk grabbed Sam by the arm.

“You think this is all hooey now, Samantha…but you won’t always feel that way.  You WILL be back.”  Samantha yanked her arm free and ran as fast as she could.  She didn’t stop running until she had put several blocks distance between her and the shop.  She never told Kendall what had happened and never thought about that day ever again.

Until now.

Samantha stood outside the shop and could not believe her eyes.  She was in her thirties now and somehow the shop had remained all these years.  After going inside, she noticed that it hadn’t changed at all.  Not a single jar, baggie or book looked different than it had when she was fifteen.  Except the clerk…she was definitely different.  There was a lovely looking woman, who was close to Sam's age, seated upon a stool next to the counter.  She was wearing a peasant skirt and flowing black blouse.  Her long, dark curls were held away from her round face by two jeweled hair clips. 

“Samantha, you’ve finally returned.  Are you a believer now?” Who was this woman?  How did she know my name? Sam thought but just stood there silently gazing at the woman.

“People always see what they want to, my child.” Sam shook her head and rubbed her eyes.  It was as though the woman had access to Sam's thoughts.  Surely this beautiful woman couldn’t be saying what Sam thought she was saying….

Sam gulped and said “I’m not sure if I believe in anything—If I’ve ever believed in anything.  But I’m desperate.  I need help.  I didn’t know where to turn.  I…need…him.”  A tear slid down Samantha’s freckled cheek.

Desperate.  Yes, that was exactly how Sam felt.  She hadn’t felt this way in a long time—that sick, maddening pull that came standard with desiring someone.  She couldn’t eat.  She couldn’t sleep.  Almost every thought was of…him.  It sounded ridiculous—like some silly teenage love song but it was her day to day reality.  He even invaded her dreams. 

She’d had him within her grasp and it had been…well…magical.  It was a magic that penetrated her to the core.  She felt more inspired and energetic....more beautiful than she’d felt in years.  She saw her world with a new found clarity.  She felt a restless intensity that could not be calmed.

She couldn’t just let that feeling die could she?  She couldn’t just let him walk out her life and take all that magic with him…could she?  Just because HE wanted it that way.  No. She couldn’t.  She wasn’t getting any younger and men weren’t exactly beating down her door anymore.  No…she had to fix this.  She had to hold onto this man as tightly as she could.  

By any means necessary.

The shop clerk retreated to the back of the store and ducked through a beaded curtain into another room.  She returned with a small vial of dark purple liquid.  She rolled the vial between her palms as if to warm the fluid.  

“Desperate times quite often call for desperate measures, my child” she said quietly as she pressed the small glass tube into Sam’s hand.  The heat it generated radiated up her arm and warmed her entire body. “Pour this into his drink.  Oddly enough, it works especially well in carbonated beverages but any cold drink will do.  Avoid hot drinks altogether.  Heat has an adverse effect on the potion.  This potion will take hold almost immediately and it is next to impossible to reverse.  You have to be certain of what you want before you take action.”

Sam peeked into her oversized purse to search for her wallet.  The woman stopped her. “There is no charge when it comes to matters of the heart.  Just make sure you know what your heart wants”

Sam looked down at the vial nestled in the palm of her hand.  She was certain.

When she looked up, the shop was gone and she was standing outside of a corner grocery.  The sign on the door read:  SODA SALE 99 CENTS. 

Thoughts poured through her head.  His smile as he stood at just the right angle in the sunshine…holding hands, fingers intertwined…laying her head on his chest late at night. Kisses that made her lose all ability to think coherently.  The last time her lips touched his…crying into her pillow night after night…the dull ache she felt when she wasn't able to act upon her feelings…the excruciating realization that he didn’t feel the same way—and most likely never had.

She pushed open the door and walked inside.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures…” she whispered as she reached for the soda.

Toxic Cycle (GBE2 #55 Topic: High School)

Who knows what actually started the argument but it was happening.  Yelling, screaming...two teenagers alone in an empty house.  He always got angry and she always felt the need to defend herself.

If only he could SEE her point of view then he would understand.  He would stop being mad and they could get back to all the fun stuff that comes with being high school sweethearts.

It was a non-stop cycle.  He would use his angry words as weapons-- Each one burning, cutting, bleeding her.  Although she felt she was a master with words who could talk her way out of anything, none of her words ever stopped his verbal blows from pummeling her.  He would keeping yelling...keep saying horrible things to her...until she snapped.

Until she hit him.

And when she hit him...in his mind...this was the permission he needed to hit her back.

Walking away never occurred to her.  Friends had talked to her and she knew that they raised valid points.  But they loved each other.  And you didn't turn your back on love...ever.

Besides, no other boy would ever want to date her.  Who else would be interested in the fat, nerdy, red-head.  Nobody else had shown an interest so far and she doubted that anybody ever would.

He asked her to leave.  Yelled at her to get out of the house.  It was his house and he didn't want her here.  If she didn't leave he was going to make her leave.  She was stubborn.  She told him she wasn't going anywhere...they were going to have to work things out.  Right now.

He chased her through the house--down the stairs and into the kitchen.  In the blink of eye, she found herself on the floor.  He was on top of her--with a butcher knife to her throat!  They lay there...hot, sweaty, gasping for breath...tears in her eyes...anger in his...this was so much worse than anything that had ever happened before.

She snapped.  Hysterical.  How could he put a knife to her throat???  She was crying, screaming...irrational.  Arms and legs were flailing in every direction yet somehow they ended back upstairs in his room.  His thirteen-year old sister had come home and overheard the screams.

It's all right he told her...she doesn't know what she's saying...she's still upset about her grandmother dying...she's just had a breakdown...that's all.  Don't mention it to anyone because she'll be embarrassed.

In the room as he held her he told her she wasn't to speak a word about what happened to anyone.  It was a mistake...he was sorry...besides it was her fault because she wouldn't leave...and because she hit him first....

This wasn't how I spent every day in high school...but it was how I spent many a day.  I'm not saying that it was always a knife to the throat--that was an extreme day--but I endured a continuous cycle of abuse.  We were very toxic together.  For about a year and I half...I was out of that relationship but then...I went back.  I went back and married him.  It wasn't always this bad...but interspersed between the happy memories are a whole bunch of horrible ones.  Horrible memories similar to this one...


And leaving...I think...was the best thing I could have ever done...for both of us.

If there is one thing I'd like to express by sharing this it would be:  THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER BOY (OR GIRL)!!!  There is never any excuse for living like this.  There is never an excuse to stay.  Walking away is always the smartest answer.  Each one of us is special in our own way and there will be someone who will not only love and appreciate us but will also treat us with respect. 

Wait for that person...no matter how long it takes. 

Right Now, Today (GBE2 #48 Topic: Now)

It's a lazy Saturday evening and this is a lazy Saturday post!  Sometimes you just need a day to be a little lazy...right?  Although the day was rather uneventful, there were some really spectacular parts thrown in.  So without further ado.....

Things I LOVE right now, today!

1.  The feeling of accomplishment that happens when I walk the entire perimeter or Joralemon Park.

2.  Baked apples with splenda and cinnamon.  It's like pie without the pie--or the guilt! 

3.  Two hour naps in the middle of the afternoon.

4.  Donut Shop Chocolate Glazed Donut flavored coffee.  Yum.

5.  Marathon of Supernatural with Jeff, Addy, and Bear.  We love the creepy adventures of the Winchester brothers.

6.  Lounging around with no makeup on, wearing my favorite jeans and Run-DMC t-shirt.  Lazy day couture!

7.  Rain and cool breezes.

8.  Music by Gossip.  My personal soundtrack for weeks.  The family is probably ready to beat me. (Oh no!  Not this AGAIN!!!)

9.  Cuddling up with my tubby kitty, Big Mama.

10. "Starfish kisses" from Mathias. (Kisses where he stays stuck to my cheek like a suction cup.)

Have a spectacular weekend everyone!!

A Walk In The Woods (GBE2 #47 Topic: Home)

It's spring break and we've been trying to get the kids out of the house.  I've been forfeiting my "dance" workout and heading out to the park instead.  While Jeff plays a few holes of disc golf and the kids play on the playground, I've been donning my headphones and doing my version of a power-walk around the perimeter of the park.

I even got ten leaves on my fitbit flower the other day.  It's been a nice change of pace.

The park is small and quiet...almost no one goes there.  It's a gem in our community that isn't utilized to it's fullest potential.  There are trails that can be hiked...a creek for swimming...the possibilities are endless.

Today, Bear was sad.  I found him sitting with his dad.  He said he was sad and didn't know why.  I had a hunch....but I didn't want to push him.  I did what any nature-hating mom should do in these circumstances.

I agreed to a one on one hike...IN THE WOODS...just mommy and Bear. 

I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy this, but I thought it was just what he needed.  And, sure enough, as soon as we started walking, Bear started talking.  We covered why he was sad and quickly moved on to other topics.

He's quite the chatty boy.

Look Mommy, tires!  Why are there tires in the woods?  Hey!  That looks like scrap metal over there!  Do you think it's an oven?  Or maybe it's a time capsule...wouldn't that be really cool??  Remember that time we went geocaching in this park?  We never did find that cache.  Maybe we should look again.  Are you happy that I'll be going to a new school in the fall.  I can't wait to torture Nathan just by riding the same school bus.  Are these OUR footprints?  Or...maybe they are ninja footprints!  Yeah!  That's it!!  Maybe there are chuck-wearing girl ninjas out here running around.  Do you think it's weird that I can do different voices?  (Then did his very best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression and his other voice that sounds like Gloamer from the old Punky Brewster cartoon.  Anyone besides me remember that?)

We came to the creek.  It wasn't the swimming area, but rather a portion that was extremely shallow.  A rickety bridge connected the two banks...although it looked entirely possible to cross the creek by walking across the rocks that lined it's bottom.  I was unsure and a little afraid....but Bear quickly crossed the bridge and taunted me from the other side.

Come on Mommy!  You can walk across the rocks.  It'll be easy.  I was brave and took the bridge but you don't have to.  Really Mommy, just cross the rocks.  I bet you don't even get wet.  I'll make it worth your while....


Oh yeah?  How so, little boy?


By giving you a big hug and kiss!  Seriously...how could I refuse an offer like that?

Tentatively, I crossed the rocks.  My feet slipped into the water a few times but the important thing is that I made it. 

As he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek, I was swept up by just how much I love this little boy...how much I love all my children.

If home is where the heart is...then my home was in the woods today.

Twelve Moments (GBE #44: Make A List and Title it)

1. I got to sleep until 8:37 today.  For me, that is the equivalent of someone else sleeping until noon.

2. The seeds that Jeff, the kids and I planted are starting to sprout. 

3. Mathias is missing his two front teeth and, when he smiles, he kind of looks like a vampire.

4. Addy wrote a joke of the day on my white board (something that I have been doing) What does a student write to math?  Dear Math, I am not a therapist.  Go solve your own problems.

5. My new haircut looks really good!

6. The weather was not too hot...not too cold.  Just perfect.

7. My very good friend from school passed her boards and is now, officially, a nurse.

8. Jeff told me I looked sexy.

9. We went grocery shopping and now have a house fully stocked with food.

10. My newly adopted cat, Big Mama, ambled her big 'ol behind out onto the balcony to sunbathe.  She looked like she's been living here for years.

11. Bear and Mathias playing together nicely while I write this list.  I have extremely adorable boys who are both mighty passionate about legos.

12. Nathan voluntarily walked up to me, gave me a hug and told me that he loved me.

Title:  Twelve Moments from Today That Brought Me Joy

The Next Fifteen Years (GBE# 36 Topic: TIME)

"Hi!  My name is Nathan and I'm gonna be a soldier when I grow up!"

These were the first words my son ever said to me.  He was three, very small for his age with a shaggy mop of blond hair.  His enormous blue eyes were framed by the longest lashes I had ever seen.  Seriously.... women pay huge sums of money to achieve what this little guy came by naturally.

He couldn't pronounce my name.  He called me Stephtee--a name I still use today.

It wasn't love at first sight--for either of us.  I had absolutely no experience with children.  Nathan was used to being cared for by his grandmother.  After Jeff and Nathan's mother went their separate ways, Jeff's mother assumed most of the parenting duties while Jeff was working.  It took some time before Jeff and I figured out what type of parents we wanted to be and we definitely made lots of mistakes along the way.

But without even realizing it, one day I just felt like a mom.

My own mom is actually my step-mother.  My father always taught me "There is no such thing as step".  My mom is my mom.  My sisters are my sisters.  We are a family.  Once I was pregnant with Addy, I knew that was a rule we needed to embrace.

In our house,  there is no such thing as step AND there are no half-siblings. 

We are a family.  Plain and simple.

I never asked Nathan to call me 'Mom'...in fact, he used to call both his moms by their first names.  Shortly after Bear was born, Nathan asked me if he should start calling me 'Mom'.  I told him that it didn't matter what he called me because I knew, in my heart, that I was his mom.

When he hugged me and told me that he'd decided to start calling me 'Mom', I cried.  It was, to date, one of the happiest moments of my life.

Twelve years...three more kids...a million arguments....laughter....joy....tears....and, occasionally....some fun.  Where does the time go?

Tuesday, my oldest son is turning fifteen!  The blonde hair has since turned to brown but he still has some of the bluest eyes around (rivaled only by his little brother).  Those lashes are still long and full...so much that they rub against his glasses when he blinks--which drives him nuts.  More importantly, he's turned into such a smart, funny, and interesting young man.

I'm amazed by how quickly the time is passing and how fast my little boy is growing up.

I can't wait to see how he turns out.

Bring on the next fifteen years!!

(No pics because....you know....he's too cool to have his picture taken these days)

Post-Holiday Rantings (GBE2 #32--15 Minute Free-Write)

This week we weren't given a topic to write about.  Instead, we were instructed to free-write for fifteen minutes and post our thoughts--warts and all.


All is quiet here at home...the kids are driving me crazy...or rather, they were driving me crazy earlier.  School vacations don't sit well with me.  I hate the upheaval of my routine and the utter chaos they bring to my days.  Simultaneously, I look forward to seeing them and spending time with them.  It's a neverending circle, I suppose.  Christmas was nice.  I'm trying really hard not to freak out over the fact that it's only been two days and most of their toys and/or pieces of toys can not be located.  Trying not to bug out over the fact that I've already stepped on eleventy-seven pieces of rock hard play-doh and random lego blocks.  Nathan has refused to remove his new fleece, cammo jammie pants...he says they are the most comfortable thing he's ever worn.  I suppose I should fight him for them and put them in the wash....eh...what's one more day when you're on vacation?  Bear seems to love all of his stuff...he was playing a live action Angry Birds game with the plushie birds he received.  He seems most enamored with a pig puppet that I stuck in his stocking that I had bought at the dollar store.  I wrote "tea cup pig" on it's chest with a sharpie.  It's an inside joke between us that stems from an episode of 'How I Met Your Mother'.  Addy has been hounding everyone to play Apples to Apples and Beyblades with her.  Mathias told me he didn't like any of his gifts.  But that's just because he got caught trying to steal Bear's bionicles.  Everyone seems happy and I'm glad.  I really enjoyed getting together with family on Christmas Eve.  And my mom, for the first time in the history of ever, got me a gift that not only will I enjoy and find useful...it was a gift that showed she was actually thinking of ME.  That never happens.  It might have only been a Sephora gift card but it meant the world to me and actually made me tear up a little.  So now Christmas is over and we can get back to normal.  I am very much looking forward to normal.  Normal is comforting and calm.  Peaceful.  And Happy.  And the kids just started arguing again...a mom's work is never done.

Spirit of Christmas--GBE#31 (Topic: Wonder)

In 2002, I couldn't find my Christmas spirit.  I kept looking for it...I kept waiting for it to turn up...but it just wasn't happening.

We had little to no money.  Our car had broken.  Jeff had to change jobs because of it.  I wasn't working because I had just given birth to Bear four weeks earlier.  I was battling post-partum depression and Jeff's mother was in the hospital.

We had 250 dollars scraped together to get Christmas presents for three kids.  Addy, who was fourteen months old at the time, had removed and broken EVERY decoration on our tree.

I was done with Christmas before it had even started.

I was going through the motions...trying so hard to be jolly.  I kept telling myself that if I kept pretending to be cheerful, I'd eventually get bitten by the Christmas bug. 

"Fake it 'til you make it" became my holiday mantra--with little success.

On Christmas Eve, we had our first annual party as a family--a tradition we still do every year.  It was just Jeff, myself and the kids that year....and a tiny "spread" that included a bowl of chips, a small platter of sandwich meat, and a small relish tray. 

While we munched on our goodies....it started to snow.

Now, if you know me or you've read this blog before....you probably know that I hate snow.  I detest it with a burning fire that I can't even begin to put into words.  But on Christmas Eve, it's kind of...maybe just a little bit....okay. 

The snow began to fall harder.  After Addy and Bear were laid down for the night, Nathan, Jeff and I went out on the front porch to peek at the snowfall and we saw the most amazing sight...

The town we lived in at the time had lined the streets with candles.  The whole neighborhood was glowing with candlelight as the snow silently fell to the ground.  It was so beautiful...standing on our porch...candles all around us....enveloped in that deep, solemn quiet that only happens during a snowfall. 

I was filled with wonder and awe....and finally....some Christmas spirit.

That snowstorm turned into a blizzard that left us snowed in and housebound--but we really didn't mind.

Not only was it Bear's first Christmas, it was also the first time Addy had some sort of understanding about the holidays.  And...it was the only Christmas that Nathan spent entirely with us--because his biological mom was snowed in too. 

Each Christmas, We strive to make it "the best year ever".  We run around like crazy people trying to make all our kids' wishes come true.  We try to make memories for them that will last forever.

But for me, watching the snow fall by candlelight, while my babies slept, is my favorite memory.

We might not have had much, but we had each other.

And that is the spirit of Christmas.

Best. Surprise. Ever. (GBE2 #26 Topic: Surprise)

Before I start, I just wanted say....Holy Guacamole!  We're on week 26 of GBE2?!  A half a year has gone by already!  That's amazing.  I am so thankful to be a part of this group and for the opportunities you guys give me to take a peek into your worlds week after week.  And...thank you Beth for going through this with us every week and for being our "leader".  (((Super Big Hugs))) to all my fellow GBE-ers!  Congratulations on fantastic 26 weeks!


In early 2002, life was just about perfect. 

In just a little over a year, Jeff, Nathan and I had gone from being three virtual strangers struggling to get to know one another to being a real honest-to-goodness family.  Then, in September of 2001, we'd welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our lives.

I never even thought I would have one kid--and now I was lucky enough to have two!  I was quite pleased with my little family.  More kids were not in the equation....at least not yet.  Addy was only four months old..we could revisit that idea once she got to kindergarten....

One night...a night where we threw common sense and better judgement out the window....a night where we totally didn't think at all thought with our parts instead of our brains....

One night changed everything.

The realization that I was pregnant--AGAIN--after just giving birth four months before was tough pill to swallow.  This was no blessed bundle of joy.  This wasn't a reason to get excited. 

I remember Jeff looking to me and asking me what I wanted to do about this pregnancy and solemnly telling him "Well, we've made our bed...and now we have to lie in it"   

But, I didn't want to have this baby.  I beat myself up with guilt.  What kind of mother feels that away about her own baby??!!  How could I be a good mother after this?

I was scared.  Hell, I was terrified. 

Not only was this another baby but it was also back to back babies.  I had visions of two cribs, two sets of bottles and diapers.  Never-ending years of sleepless nights, formulas stained shirts, sticky hands and potty training accidents.  I barely knew how to take care of the baby I already had....how was I supposed to take care of another baby at the same time!

Chasing around a toddler while trying to care for a newborn AND a kindergartener seemed like a one way ticket to insanity.

And that's exactly how it was.

Mostly.

Except for when it wasn't.

Parents are amazing creatures with the capacity for great feats of adaptation.  Adding one more baby to the mix never really felt like it changed anything much--at least not in a negative way.  I won't ever say it was easy but Jeff and I made it through....and  now that those two babies are almost to middle school...I can say it wasn't ever as difficult as I'd imagined that it would be.

Living with Bear isn't always sunshine and rainbows.  In fact, there are some days when I want to pull my hair out piece by piece.  Loud days where the words "personal space" have no meaning.  Days where everything I say and do causes meltdown after meltdown.  Days where he sits on the couch repeating the same word or phrase over and over and over.....and over.  Days where, from the corner of my eye, I can see his index finger heading towards my cheek--to lightly poke me--for the seventeenth time.

But I can't imagine this family without his unique style and personality.  I can't imagine my life without him in it.

He became the blessed bundle of joy that I didn't know that I wanted.  The one that I didn't know that I needed.

My 'happy accident'.

My 'Ooops! Baby'

My Bear.

The best surprise ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAR!!

(he affectionately calls me 'old lady')

(The Halloween Store is one of his favorite stores. Here, the ghouls are sucking out his soul! )