Moving Away? (GBE2 #116 Topic: First Steps)

I have a huge decision to make.

I want to make a gigantic change in my life.

I want to move.

 

 Not just around the corner or up the street.  Not to a nearby town or city.  Not even to a neighboring state.

I want to move ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!!!

( Portland Baby!! My My dream wedding here I come!!!)

If you know me...or you've read this blog...then you may know that I've been having a love affair with the city of Portland for years.  Once I visited, the deal was sealed and I've wanted to be there ever since.

We've discussed it in the past.  We planned to move when all the kids were out of the house.  But recently, we've started feeling antsy...like a BIG change is just what we need.  

We've devised a plan.  We have a tentative date picked out.  Most importantly, we'll actually have the money to do it!  

Some of the kids are excited.  Some just flat out don't want to go.  I'm torn between making them happy and making one of my biggest dreams come true.  I'm torn between doing something terribly exciting and keeping things comfortable.

What if I can't find a job?  What if all the money runs out before we really get a handle on our new life?  

What if everyone hates it and they all resent me forever?

What if we all die from dysentery on the way?

What if?  What if?  What if?

I'm not taking this decision lightly.  I think about it every single day.  We talk about it constantly.  I keep telling people " I'm not comfortable with saying that we're actually going...but man, I sure want to..."

It is such a scary idea.

I'm so confused.

I guess for now we'll keep talking...researching and dreaming...working out the kinks in our plan.

Until...hopefully...we're ready to take the first step.

Living Well Is the Best Revenge (GBE2 #115 Topic: Faith)

I go out of my way to try NOT to write about autism.  

For starters, there are so many other bloggers that do a much better job of capturing life with autism than I feel I could.

And then...my life with autism...isn't really all that difficult.  I see what other parents go through...what other children have to endure...the lives of some of the individuals that I have cared for during the course of my career...and I figure that I'm pretty damn lucky!

On their worst days, my kids just seem to be a little weird. 

Nathan can come across as kind of a jerk...uncaring...cold...a kid who has no use for the world around him or the people in it.  It's just his way...personal connections are difficult for him and sometimes, I think he'd prefer it if we all communicated in the virtual world--his comfort zone being almost strictly behind a keyboard.  But there can just as many moments when he does engage with us and his smile and sarcastic sense of humor--that took forever for him to develop (he had no idea we were joking for years!!)--light up the entire room.  

Bear is Nathan's opposite.  He loves to interact...too much sometimes.  He loves to ramble on and on (and on...) about his favorite topics:  the video games, Minecraft and Skyrim, and watching videos on Youtube.  Even at the age of almost eleven...and at the size of a small adult...his favorite place to be is wedged between Jeff and I on the couch with me scratching some part of his body.  He walks around the house with "t-rex arms" and spins around and/or flaps his hands (what he has named "advanced jazz hands") whenever he hears the theme song to the television show "The Big Bang Theory". 

Nathan has one really good friend.  Bear maintains that his family are the only friends he needs.

While Nathan tends to keep things inside and doesn't like to talk about what's bothering him, Bear freaks out about almost anything and is prone to meltdowns over seemingly minor things.  As Bear has matured, the meltdowns have become smaller and easier to come back from...but they still happen...frequently.

These differences, I think, are why Bear was easily diagnosed at the age of five but Nathan wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was fifteen.  Bear can be loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Nathan is generally quiet and well-mannered.  Adults like Nathan because, even when he was younger, he acted like a tiny adult.  Bear's emotional and social age is at least 3 years younger than he actually is.  A ten year old, who is five feet tall and weighs 150 pounds, having a "temper tantrum" like a five year old isn't an easy pill to swallow for people who just don't get it.

All of Bear's life, people have shunned him.  Sometimes he notices....sometimes he doesn't.  And sometimes, people pull me aside to tell me what a rotten child he is and how it's all our fault!

Sometimes...they say these things when he is in earshot! 

We didn't discipline him enough.

We coddle him.

He isn't really on the autism spectrum--we're just bad parents.

He doesn't need special ed--just a good smack every once in a while.

He should know better not to give us a hard time by this age.

You dropped the ball with this kid...shame on you!!

Sometimes, these statements come from people who are supposed to be loving and supportive.

Often, the very idea that people feel that way--when they are supposed to love us unconditionally--causes more pain and anger than I can handle.

But I have faith.

Not necessarily in them...but in my kid.  That he will continue to be the happy, charming, amazing kid he's always been...and that he will grow into an even more amazing adult.

Proof...

that we never dropped the ball....

Last Minute Hairspray (GBE2 #66 Topic: Snapshot)

Here in New York's "capital district" we have musical theater in the park every summer.  It's a fun, not to mention free, way to spend an evening.  I have many fond memories of going to the shows when I was younger.  As the years have gone by, I haven't had as many opportunities to go.  The kids were small and I had no sitter....I had no one to go with....it was too hot....I was too tired.  I've had excuses a-plenty.

Until this year.

Finally, in the form of my oh-so-beautiful and amazing ten year old daughter, I had a theater buddy!  She's fun.  She's good company.  She loves musicals just as much as I do and she is finally old enough to have the patience to sit through the show. 

When I discovered that one of the musicals was going to be "Hairspray", I knew this was the year for Addy and I to start a new mother daughter tradition.  I talked about how we were going to pack a snack and some drinks, get a blanket and snuggle under the stars while we watched her favorite musical. 

Then family crisis hit us.  Hard.  And going to the theater was the last thing on my mind.  I told her to remind me.  I was going to keep this promise no matter what, but she had to keep me on my toes in case I forgot about it while trying to sort out our problems.

She reminded me on Sunday night.  I promptly checked the park's website only to find out that Sunday night....was the LAST night of the show!!  And it was starting in thirty minutes!!

So, we ran out the door.  We did have a blanket.  But we didn't have time for snacks and drinks.  We hurried to the park as fast as we could, made our way through the crowd and wedged ourselves into a small space in the grass.

She snuggled up against me and waited impatiently for the last ten minutes to roll by before showtime.

That's when I snapped the photo up above.

It wasn't the perfect outing that I had planned out in my mind.  But I kept my promise to my little girl and started a new tradition in the process.

Who knows?  Maybe "Mammamia" will be in our future.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Love Potion #74 (The Story Cabin #1--Fever)

 The writing prompt for this exercise was "Fever" by Peggy Lee.  This is one of my most favorite songs.  The first time I heard it was in a witchcraft store when I was a teen. Other than that one fact, this story is a complete work of fiction.  Enjoy!

When Samantha was a teenager, her best friend dragged her to a witchcraft store.  It was smoky and dark.  The scent of incense hung heavy in the air, clinging to her like a humid summer day.  The clerk…a ‘60’s throwback complete with tie dye and bell bottoms…sat behind the counter with a hazy, glassy-eyed expression on her face.  Samantha had figured the older woman was high on something but didn’t really give her much thought beyond that.  She was too busy drinking in her environment.  Boy, if her mother knew that she was here….well... she would be in so much trouble.  Samantha’s mother took these sorts of things seriously and would most definitely freak out if she knew that HER daughter was even entertaining the notion of witches, magick, or a way of life that fell short of normal.

But Sam wasn’t really exploring the notion of anything.  It was Kendall that brought her here.  It was Kendall that was determined put her own mother into cardiac arrest by coming home with a book of spells or some other piece of witch paraphernalia that her mother would certainly disapprove of.  Kendall was the rebel in this duo—not Sam.  Kendall was the one who wanted shock value.  Nevertheless, Sam thoroughly enjoyed the dangerous thrill she experienced as she crept around the shop. 

 Zip-loc baggies of herbs lined one wall and books…what seemed like thousands of books…covered almost every shelf.  Jars labeled with things like ‘Dragon’s Blood’ and ‘Eye of Newt’ were neatly lined up on tables in the middle of the room.  This cannot be for real…she thought, and giggled quietly under her breath.  People actually buy this stuff??  People actually think this stuff is real??  Samantha was beside herself with disbelief.  She knew that Kendall didn’t really believe in any of this nonsense.  That girl just wanted to get a rise out of people.  And, as thrilling as going behind her own mother’s back and going into that shop was, Sam knew, in her heart, that magick was just the invention of talented storytellers.

Kendall filled her shopping basket with a few books and various ingredients to make some potion or another and brought her items to the counter.  She quickly paid and motioned for Sam to follow her out of the shop.  As she turned to leave, the clerk grabbed Sam by the arm.

“You think this is all hooey now, Samantha…but you won’t always feel that way.  You WILL be back.”  Samantha yanked her arm free and ran as fast as she could.  She didn’t stop running until she had put several blocks distance between her and the shop.  She never told Kendall what had happened and never thought about that day ever again.

Until now.

Samantha stood outside the shop and could not believe her eyes.  She was in her thirties now and somehow the shop had remained all these years.  After going inside, she noticed that it hadn’t changed at all.  Not a single jar, baggie or book looked different than it had when she was fifteen.  Except the clerk…she was definitely different.  There was a lovely looking woman, who was close to Sam's age, seated upon a stool next to the counter.  She was wearing a peasant skirt and flowing black blouse.  Her long, dark curls were held away from her round face by two jeweled hair clips. 

“Samantha, you’ve finally returned.  Are you a believer now?” Who was this woman?  How did she know my name? Sam thought but just stood there silently gazing at the woman.

“People always see what they want to, my child.” Sam shook her head and rubbed her eyes.  It was as though the woman had access to Sam's thoughts.  Surely this beautiful woman couldn’t be saying what Sam thought she was saying….

Sam gulped and said “I’m not sure if I believe in anything—If I’ve ever believed in anything.  But I’m desperate.  I need help.  I didn’t know where to turn.  I…need…him.”  A tear slid down Samantha’s freckled cheek.

Desperate.  Yes, that was exactly how Sam felt.  She hadn’t felt this way in a long time—that sick, maddening pull that came standard with desiring someone.  She couldn’t eat.  She couldn’t sleep.  Almost every thought was of…him.  It sounded ridiculous—like some silly teenage love song but it was her day to day reality.  He even invaded her dreams. 

She’d had him within her grasp and it had been…well…magical.  It was a magic that penetrated her to the core.  She felt more inspired and energetic....more beautiful than she’d felt in years.  She saw her world with a new found clarity.  She felt a restless intensity that could not be calmed.

She couldn’t just let that feeling die could she?  She couldn’t just let him walk out her life and take all that magic with him…could she?  Just because HE wanted it that way.  No. She couldn’t.  She wasn’t getting any younger and men weren’t exactly beating down her door anymore.  No…she had to fix this.  She had to hold onto this man as tightly as she could.  

By any means necessary.

The shop clerk retreated to the back of the store and ducked through a beaded curtain into another room.  She returned with a small vial of dark purple liquid.  She rolled the vial between her palms as if to warm the fluid.  

“Desperate times quite often call for desperate measures, my child” she said quietly as she pressed the small glass tube into Sam’s hand.  The heat it generated radiated up her arm and warmed her entire body. “Pour this into his drink.  Oddly enough, it works especially well in carbonated beverages but any cold drink will do.  Avoid hot drinks altogether.  Heat has an adverse effect on the potion.  This potion will take hold almost immediately and it is next to impossible to reverse.  You have to be certain of what you want before you take action.”

Sam peeked into her oversized purse to search for her wallet.  The woman stopped her. “There is no charge when it comes to matters of the heart.  Just make sure you know what your heart wants”

Sam looked down at the vial nestled in the palm of her hand.  She was certain.

When she looked up, the shop was gone and she was standing outside of a corner grocery.  The sign on the door read:  SODA SALE 99 CENTS. 

Thoughts poured through her head.  His smile as he stood at just the right angle in the sunshine…holding hands, fingers intertwined…laying her head on his chest late at night. Kisses that made her lose all ability to think coherently.  The last time her lips touched his…crying into her pillow night after night…the dull ache she felt when she wasn't able to act upon her feelings…the excruciating realization that he didn’t feel the same way—and most likely never had.

She pushed open the door and walked inside.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures…” she whispered as she reached for the soda.

Eleventy-seven Questions

A little while ago Gill from Mojo Writin (Bright Blessings) tagged me to do this eleven-tag thing.  Being the colossal procrastinator that I am, I totally forgot about it kind of pushed it aside, until today, when I saw Beth (Word Nerd Speaks) take on this tag from about eleventy bajillion people.

Since today is pretty much a lazy day for me, I figured it might be fun to actually do it.  I'm going to do both Gill's and Beth's questions (since she tagged anyone and everyone!) but I'm not going to tag anyone myself.  This tag surely won't die with me and, honestly, I'm not feeling ambitious enough to come up with people to tag :-)

Eleven Things About Me!

1. In the last couple of months, we've adopted three senior cats.  Two girls, Big Mama and Bob, and one boy, Graphite.

2. Since doing this, I've discovered that I am actually a cat person.  More specifically--a fat cat person. I fell in love with Big Mama at first sight...she weighs in at 20 pounds!!  Bob weighs about 13 pounds.  I don't know...there's something about a fat cat that makes me smile.

3. I am making split pea soup for dinner.  I am a great soup maker.  I can make a tasty soup out of just about anything.

4. I've always hated mint.  Until very recently.  Lately I've been grabbing every chocolate/mint flavored item I can get.  Weird.

5. I do not own one pair of single color socks.  All my socks are wild crazy patterns.

6. Whales are my favorite mammal.

7. I absolutely love reading to my kids. 

8. I keep my spare change in an actual piggy bank,   She's a pink pig wearing a tutu and tiara.  I call her Priscilla.

9. I love perfumes that smell like food.  My recent favorite is called Un-Birthday. It smells like candy and it is awesome.

10. I have a job interview on Friday...send me positive vibes!

11. I am nowhere near interesting enough to come up with eleven things.

Now...for Gill's questions...

1. What is the first book you remember reading as a child? I read a lot of books!  The first one that comes to mind is the Sweet Pickles series.  I used to love those!

2. Have you ever owned a fad toy--such as a tamogotchi?  When I was a kid, I had cabbage patch kids and collected garbage pail kids cards.  That counts right?

3. What was your favorite childhood game? Clue.  Hands down.  I still love playing Clue.  Second would probably be word games like Scrabble and Boggle.

4. Can your body do anything strange--such as ear wiggling?  I can do the taco tongue thing.  My toes also can spread really wide apart.  I have pretty talented toes.  When I was young, I could flip the record I was listening to and restart it all with my toes.

5. If you had to spend the rest of your life in one room, who would you take for companionship?  I can't imagine anyone would want to spend forever with just me.  That's a punishment I wouldn't want to inflict...they'd go crazy for sure.

6. Do you have a friend who knows to wipe your computer should you suddenly die? No...and I don't think there is anything on here that I would be embarrassed for anyone to see anyway.

7. What is the worst grammar pet peeve that you have?  Oh but there are sooo many!  They're/their/there...your/you're....to/two/too...I see people say that they 'half to go to the store'  that irks the crap out of me.

8. You can go back and change one life decision--would you?  Nope...I'd keep it all the same.

9. You're coming back to this world as an animal--which one?  An orca whale.

10. Would you confront someone who was doing something illegal--such as littering or cycling on the pavement--if there were signs forbidding it?  I'd probably make some sort of obnoxious passive-agressive comment in a loud-ish voice.  I'm not big on confrontations.

11. What sound can make your heart miss a beat and a smile break out unbidden?  The sound of my children laughing and playing nicely.  

Now for Beth's questions.... 

1. When did you start feeling like a grown-up? I'm not sure I've reached that point yet.  I mean...I know I am...I'm almost 40...but it sure doesn't feel like it.


2. What celebrity made your heart go pitter-patter when you were a kid/tween/teen?  First it was Corey Feldman (my sister was the Corey Haim fan) then it was Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids On The Block.


3. What song do you and your sweetie think of as “your” song? We really don't have one.  There's been a few over the years that have been more like inside jokes but no real "our song".


4. Do you consider yourself patriotic? Why or why not? I wouldn't say that I'm overly patriotic.  That being said, when blatantly anti-American comments are being made, it does make me irritable.


5. What is something you once believed, but no longer do? Santa?  Tooth Fairy?


6. Jean shorts: Just fine or a sure sign of extreme dorkiness? I think it depends on the style of jean shorts.  They aren't my style but I've seen many people pull them off nicely.


7. Has an infomercial ever prompted you to make a purchase? If so, what did you buy? Nope, I can't say that I have bought anything. 


8. What snack do you have hidden in the back of the cupboard/fridge? Nothing especially decadent today.  I do have snap peas and salsa.  Healthy and tasty!


9. What book or movie seemed to speak to the masses, but didn’t do much for you? Fifty Shades of Grey.  It's just so badly written. I feel like it has an underlying message that risque sex practices and abuse/trauma are always linked.  That seems like a bad message to me.  And I honestly don't know how she got away with using "he smelled like Christian" that many times to describe his scent.  Ummmm....hello?  We can't really smell him...you have to do better than that!


10. What do you wear to bed?  Four days a week, I sleep at work.  I just wear whatever I put on to go to work that day.  At home, it's usually shorts and a t-shirt or some similar combination.


11. Is there a story of you as a child that your parents told so many times that it became part of your history? Something cute or funny you said or did, maybe? Care to share?  I can't really think of anything.  Maybe I was a pretty boring child ;-)

Here's to 80's crushes, Lame Concerts, and NOT Being Especially Deep (GBE2 #54 Topic: Self)

Without music, life would be a mistake.
Friedrich Nietzsche

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.
Bob Marley

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
Henry David Thoreau

There have a lot of awesomely deep posts for this week's GBE2 topic of "self".  The bad thing for me, this week anyway, is that I am not in a very deep thinking frame of mind.

 

I was watching videos on YouTube earlier and I noticed that there is a "music tag" going around.  I thought that doing this tag would be a lighthearted way to cover this topic and show you guys a little more of mySELF.  

 

1.  Who is your favorite band/singer?

Bands and singers fall into two different categories for me.  My all time favorite singer is Madonna.  My two favorite bands are Weezer and (The) Gossip.

 

2.  Is there a music artist that you admire makeup and/or fashion-wise?

I could say Madonna again but that would just get us off to a really boring start!  I could say Lady Gaga but that would just be like me saying Madonna again anyway.  So I'm going to say Nicki Minaj and Beth Ditto.  

 

3.  What was your first concert experience?

I wish I had a really cool or really rocking story for you here.  But sadly, my first concert experience was The Dirty Dancing Tour.  Followed by many other lame concerts that I thought were cool at the time.  I haven't been to a concert in almost twenty years.  The last one that I saw was Boyz II Men and Babyface when I was 19 (I think).

 

4.  What is your 'guilty pleasure' singer or band?

Britney Spears.  Sad...I know.  But I love danceable music and most of the time she satisfies that for me.

 

5.  Can you play any instruments?

Yes!  Well...I used to.  I played the flute from fourth grade until my junior year of high school.  I also could play small snippets of music on a keyboard.  I'm not very musically gifted, but hey...it's something!

 

6.  Have you ever sang/danced/performed in front of an audience?

I performed in a plethora of school concerts both in the band and the chorus (I swear they will let any kid in, because...trust me...no one wants to hear me sing!)  I competed in two prepared speech contests in high school as well--and won second place in the regional competition.  Okay, so it was second place out of the two whole people who showed up...but I still got a trophy!  Also, my high school boyfriend/first husband and I won first place in our school's lip sync contest.  But as an adult, I have not performed anything for anyone.

 

7. What is your favorite song or a song with significant meaning?

Seriously?  A whole blog could be written about that!  I have too many songs that have special meanings.  I have whole playlists devoted to different feelings and meanings.  My "official" favorite songs are:  'Into the Groove' by Madonna and 'Buddy Holly' by Weezer.  I consider them to be my favorites because they always bring a smile to my face and make me feel happy.

 

8.  Is there a genre of music that you don't like?

Yep.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I do not like country music.  There are precious few exceptions to this rule for me.  I could probably count the number of country songs I like on my hands and have fingers left over.

 

9.  Who was your first musician crush?

I can remember this like it was yesterday!  I had bought a New Kids on the Block cassette (cassette!!! Damn, I'm old!!) almost a year prior to this moment.  I didn't really like it and I gave the tape to my sister.  It was summer vacation.  I was 13.  I was in my bedroom watching MTV and the video for "Hangin' Tough' came on.  And there was Donnie Wahlberg looking so hot in his leather jacket and ripped jeans.  It was love at first sight and I just had to get that cassette back from my sister!  We, like so many tweens in the late 80's, became die hard fans.  Good thing she liked Joey or we'd have been fighting!  

 

Bonus:  My current musician crush (and has been for the last ten years...so it's doubtful I'm de-crushing anytime soon) is Justin Timberlake.

 

Which leads me to the last question...

 

10.  Put your music player on shuffle.  What's the first song that pops up?

'Lovestoned (I Think She Knows)' by Justin Timberlake       

 

            

 

 

Balancing Act (30 Days of Truth Challenge--Day 5)

Day 5 asks What is something in life that keeps you balanced?

Ha!  Balance?  I'm not sure I know the meaning of that word.

But...when things get a little crazy in my life and I'm feelings out of sorts or out of control, there are some things that I rely on to make things feel a wee bit saner.

1.  My Husband (He's very good at letting me vent and taking whatever crap I'm dishing out!)
2.  A Hot Bath (I turn off the lights, play some music and escape from the world for a while)
3.  Coffee (Usually a nice way to unwind.  A conversation over coffee is always nice.)
4.  A Good Book (Or a terrible one...letting my mind wander in another world can make this world seem right again)
5.  Quality Time at My Makeup Desk (When I feel beautiful...everything else just feels better)

What are some things that you do to keep life in balance? 

Halloween Magic--BFF 128

I've never written for this group before.  But when I saw that the topic was HALLOWEEN, how could I not?

You see.......in our household there are really only two holidays.  Jeff's holiday.  And mine.

We celebrate the other ones, but it's more out of duty for the children.  We make a fuss about those because we have to.  But no other holidays get quite the fanfare around here that our favorites do.

Jeff is a Christmas nut.  Who doesn't love Christmas?  Well...I don't know anyone who gets into Christmas quite like Jeff.  But that's a blog for a couple months from now!

My holiday is Halloween.  I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!  It is my absolute favorite holiday.  Usually, by the time both mine and Addy's birthdays have rolled around, outside our apartment is fully decorated for the occasion (and both of us celebrated our birthdays this week!  This year, I've been slacking some).  The kids and I start talking about their costumes for next year on November first!  I love it more than Christmas and all of our other lackluster-ly celebrated holidays combined. 

Jeff doesn't understand this.  Well....by now he might...but he still pretends that he doesn't.

In Jeff's world...Christmas is the only holiday that matters.

To me, Halloween is a celebration of everything that I love about fall.  The crisp, cool autumn air...the leaves changing...apple picking....pumpkin picking...apple cider....the rustle of the leaves when little kids are running through them....the smell of decaying leaves....carving a jack-o-lantern and roasting the seeds. 

It's weeks of wonderful things that come to a climax on Halloween Night.

I love watching all the little kids and seeing what their costumes are.  Sure, some are store bought these days...but still adorable.  And I always manage to see some costumes that are truly creative and inventive.  Last year I saw someone dressed as a Dunkin Donuts (yes, the whole store!) and their friend accompanied them--as a police officer!  Priceless.

And...I am a sucker for all things creepy.  Bring on the vampires and witches.  The mummies and ghosts!  Cobwebs and cauldrons and potions--oh my!

But it's more than that.

The world is not the same as when I was a little girl.  Most of us don't even know our neighbors by name.  We suspiciously peek our our windows or peepholes before answering the door.  We are enclosed in our own little worlds--usually only venturing out of them through our keyboards nowadays.

Not on Halloween.

On Halloween...our neighbors will open their doors to each other.  They say hello.  We acknowledge one another's existence--if only for a few seconds.  The streets are alive with people.  For that small fraction of time, we get to be transported back to a time that is quite different from the one we live in now.

And THAT,  is a beautiful thing.

Happy Almost Halloween!