Living Well Is the Best Revenge (GBE2 #115 Topic: Faith)

I go out of my way to try NOT to write about autism.  

For starters, there are so many other bloggers that do a much better job of capturing life with autism than I feel I could.

And then...my life with autism...isn't really all that difficult.  I see what other parents go through...what other children have to endure...the lives of some of the individuals that I have cared for during the course of my career...and I figure that I'm pretty damn lucky!

On their worst days, my kids just seem to be a little weird. 

Nathan can come across as kind of a jerk...uncaring...cold...a kid who has no use for the world around him or the people in it.  It's just his way...personal connections are difficult for him and sometimes, I think he'd prefer it if we all communicated in the virtual world--his comfort zone being almost strictly behind a keyboard.  But there can just as many moments when he does engage with us and his smile and sarcastic sense of humor--that took forever for him to develop (he had no idea we were joking for years!!)--light up the entire room.  

Bear is Nathan's opposite.  He loves to interact...too much sometimes.  He loves to ramble on and on (and on...) about his favorite topics:  the video games, Minecraft and Skyrim, and watching videos on Youtube.  Even at the age of almost eleven...and at the size of a small adult...his favorite place to be is wedged between Jeff and I on the couch with me scratching some part of his body.  He walks around the house with "t-rex arms" and spins around and/or flaps his hands (what he has named "advanced jazz hands") whenever he hears the theme song to the television show "The Big Bang Theory". 

Nathan has one really good friend.  Bear maintains that his family are the only friends he needs.

While Nathan tends to keep things inside and doesn't like to talk about what's bothering him, Bear freaks out about almost anything and is prone to meltdowns over seemingly minor things.  As Bear has matured, the meltdowns have become smaller and easier to come back from...but they still happen...frequently.

These differences, I think, are why Bear was easily diagnosed at the age of five but Nathan wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was fifteen.  Bear can be loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Nathan is generally quiet and well-mannered.  Adults like Nathan because, even when he was younger, he acted like a tiny adult.  Bear's emotional and social age is at least 3 years younger than he actually is.  A ten year old, who is five feet tall and weighs 150 pounds, having a "temper tantrum" like a five year old isn't an easy pill to swallow for people who just don't get it.

All of Bear's life, people have shunned him.  Sometimes he notices....sometimes he doesn't.  And sometimes, people pull me aside to tell me what a rotten child he is and how it's all our fault!

Sometimes...they say these things when he is in earshot! 

We didn't discipline him enough.

We coddle him.

He isn't really on the autism spectrum--we're just bad parents.

He doesn't need special ed--just a good smack every once in a while.

He should know better not to give us a hard time by this age.

You dropped the ball with this kid...shame on you!!

Sometimes, these statements come from people who are supposed to be loving and supportive.

Often, the very idea that people feel that way--when they are supposed to love us unconditionally--causes more pain and anger than I can handle.

But I have faith.

Not necessarily in them...but in my kid.  That he will continue to be the happy, charming, amazing kid he's always been...and that he will grow into an even more amazing adult.

Proof...

that we never dropped the ball....

Invasion of the Babbers Snatchers (GBE2 #14--Growing Wild)

This is me....and my youngest son, Mathias (my Babbers)

Cute, right?

My answer would be.......most of the time, yes.

Not yesterday.  Nope, not even sort of.

You see, yesterday was school supply shopping day.  We rounded up the troops (minus the oldest because....he's just too cool to hang out with us anymore), explained what our plans were and piled into the truck for a quick trip to the local Wal-Mart.

Our cart was filled with pencils, pens, notebooks, and folders.  We had all the essentials.  We went a little over budget...but not too badly.  Everything was going quite nicely.....

Until.....

"Mommy, can you buy me a Lego set?" Mathias asked--innocently enough.  He's five.  He doesn't have to worry about things like budgets and bills.  All he knows of spending is that Mommy swipes the card in the machine and we bring stuff home.

"I'm sorry baby, but Mommy doesn't have enough money to buy any Legos today"

"You have money Mommy....look at all the stuff in the cart."

"Yes, you're right...I DO have money for school supplies.  You guys NEED school supplies.  I don't have any extra money for buying Legos"

That's when the pod people came and swapped my precious treasure for some wild creature from another realm.

"THEN PUT ALL THIS STUFF BACK!!! I DON'T NEED ALL THIS WORTHLESS JUNK!!! I NEED YOU TO BUY ME A LEGO SET!!!!" 

Screaming and crying began at this point.  This is my fourth child.  Jeff and I are not strangers to tantrums in public places.  We could have removed him.  Maybe we should have.  But we had exactly two more items to purchase from the other side of the store.  Surely, we could weather this storm long enough to grab those items and run?

"I JUST WANT A LEGO SET.  WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME???  WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME???  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...JUST A MINI ONE....I NEEEEEEEED A LEGO SET...I NEEEEEEED IT!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Through the store we went.  And like so many parents, I was almost ready to cave.  Or at least come to a more affordable compromise.

Until he looked at me and said:  "I'm just going to keep screaming until you get me my Lego set"

Oh, he was so close!

Just barely hanging onto our sanity, we reach the checkout line.  He hasn't stopped screaming.  He stops to catch his breath....looks over at me loading notebooks onto the belt...and says:

"Where is the owner of Wal-Mart? I need to speak to him."

Wait. *Double take* Ummmm....what??????

"You need to speak to the owner of Wal-Mart?, Why?"

"BECAUSE WHEN I TELL HIM WHAT YOU DID TO ME....HE'S GOING TO MAKE YOU BUY ME A LEGO SET!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(OK....he's still cute.  Even when the pod people invade his body.)

Cries. Wails. Screams. Empty threats on our part.  All the way to the car.

On the way home it's more of the same.  Only now he's concerned over some of those empty threats that had been issued.

I tried to reassure him.  When people get really mad, sometimes they say things that they don't really mean.  Like when he's mad at me and says he hates me....he doesn't really hate me....it's just the anger talking.

"No, Mommy.....I mean it EVERY TIME I say it."

Breathe, Stephanie, Breathe. 

Relax--Tomorrow will be a better day.

And so far, it has been.  He's been the sweet little boy I love so much.

The pod people have retreated.

For now.