Moving Away? (GBE2 #116 Topic: First Steps)

I have a huge decision to make.

I want to make a gigantic change in my life.

I want to move.

 

 Not just around the corner or up the street.  Not to a nearby town or city.  Not even to a neighboring state.

I want to move ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!!!

( Portland Baby!! My My dream wedding here I come!!!)

If you know me...or you've read this blog...then you may know that I've been having a love affair with the city of Portland for years.  Once I visited, the deal was sealed and I've wanted to be there ever since.

We've discussed it in the past.  We planned to move when all the kids were out of the house.  But recently, we've started feeling antsy...like a BIG change is just what we need.  

We've devised a plan.  We have a tentative date picked out.  Most importantly, we'll actually have the money to do it!  

Some of the kids are excited.  Some just flat out don't want to go.  I'm torn between making them happy and making one of my biggest dreams come true.  I'm torn between doing something terribly exciting and keeping things comfortable.

What if I can't find a job?  What if all the money runs out before we really get a handle on our new life?  

What if everyone hates it and they all resent me forever?

What if we all die from dysentery on the way?

What if?  What if?  What if?

I'm not taking this decision lightly.  I think about it every single day.  We talk about it constantly.  I keep telling people " I'm not comfortable with saying that we're actually going...but man, I sure want to..."

It is such a scary idea.

I'm so confused.

I guess for now we'll keep talking...researching and dreaming...working out the kinks in our plan.

Until...hopefully...we're ready to take the first step.

Living Well Is the Best Revenge (GBE2 #115 Topic: Faith)

I go out of my way to try NOT to write about autism.  

For starters, there are so many other bloggers that do a much better job of capturing life with autism than I feel I could.

And then...my life with autism...isn't really all that difficult.  I see what other parents go through...what other children have to endure...the lives of some of the individuals that I have cared for during the course of my career...and I figure that I'm pretty damn lucky!

On their worst days, my kids just seem to be a little weird. 

Nathan can come across as kind of a jerk...uncaring...cold...a kid who has no use for the world around him or the people in it.  It's just his way...personal connections are difficult for him and sometimes, I think he'd prefer it if we all communicated in the virtual world--his comfort zone being almost strictly behind a keyboard.  But there can just as many moments when he does engage with us and his smile and sarcastic sense of humor--that took forever for him to develop (he had no idea we were joking for years!!)--light up the entire room.  

Bear is Nathan's opposite.  He loves to interact...too much sometimes.  He loves to ramble on and on (and on...) about his favorite topics:  the video games, Minecraft and Skyrim, and watching videos on Youtube.  Even at the age of almost eleven...and at the size of a small adult...his favorite place to be is wedged between Jeff and I on the couch with me scratching some part of his body.  He walks around the house with "t-rex arms" and spins around and/or flaps his hands (what he has named "advanced jazz hands") whenever he hears the theme song to the television show "The Big Bang Theory". 

Nathan has one really good friend.  Bear maintains that his family are the only friends he needs.

While Nathan tends to keep things inside and doesn't like to talk about what's bothering him, Bear freaks out about almost anything and is prone to meltdowns over seemingly minor things.  As Bear has matured, the meltdowns have become smaller and easier to come back from...but they still happen...frequently.

These differences, I think, are why Bear was easily diagnosed at the age of five but Nathan wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until he was fifteen.  Bear can be loud, obnoxious, and rude.  Nathan is generally quiet and well-mannered.  Adults like Nathan because, even when he was younger, he acted like a tiny adult.  Bear's emotional and social age is at least 3 years younger than he actually is.  A ten year old, who is five feet tall and weighs 150 pounds, having a "temper tantrum" like a five year old isn't an easy pill to swallow for people who just don't get it.

All of Bear's life, people have shunned him.  Sometimes he notices....sometimes he doesn't.  And sometimes, people pull me aside to tell me what a rotten child he is and how it's all our fault!

Sometimes...they say these things when he is in earshot! 

We didn't discipline him enough.

We coddle him.

He isn't really on the autism spectrum--we're just bad parents.

He doesn't need special ed--just a good smack every once in a while.

He should know better not to give us a hard time by this age.

You dropped the ball with this kid...shame on you!!

Sometimes, these statements come from people who are supposed to be loving and supportive.

Often, the very idea that people feel that way--when they are supposed to love us unconditionally--causes more pain and anger than I can handle.

But I have faith.

Not necessarily in them...but in my kid.  That he will continue to be the happy, charming, amazing kid he's always been...and that he will grow into an even more amazing adult.

Proof...

that we never dropped the ball....

The Next Fifteen Years (GBE# 36 Topic: TIME)

"Hi!  My name is Nathan and I'm gonna be a soldier when I grow up!"

These were the first words my son ever said to me.  He was three, very small for his age with a shaggy mop of blond hair.  His enormous blue eyes were framed by the longest lashes I had ever seen.  Seriously.... women pay huge sums of money to achieve what this little guy came by naturally.

He couldn't pronounce my name.  He called me Stephtee--a name I still use today.

It wasn't love at first sight--for either of us.  I had absolutely no experience with children.  Nathan was used to being cared for by his grandmother.  After Jeff and Nathan's mother went their separate ways, Jeff's mother assumed most of the parenting duties while Jeff was working.  It took some time before Jeff and I figured out what type of parents we wanted to be and we definitely made lots of mistakes along the way.

But without even realizing it, one day I just felt like a mom.

My own mom is actually my step-mother.  My father always taught me "There is no such thing as step".  My mom is my mom.  My sisters are my sisters.  We are a family.  Once I was pregnant with Addy, I knew that was a rule we needed to embrace.

In our house,  there is no such thing as step AND there are no half-siblings. 

We are a family.  Plain and simple.

I never asked Nathan to call me 'Mom'...in fact, he used to call both his moms by their first names.  Shortly after Bear was born, Nathan asked me if he should start calling me 'Mom'.  I told him that it didn't matter what he called me because I knew, in my heart, that I was his mom.

When he hugged me and told me that he'd decided to start calling me 'Mom', I cried.  It was, to date, one of the happiest moments of my life.

Twelve years...three more kids...a million arguments....laughter....joy....tears....and, occasionally....some fun.  Where does the time go?

Tuesday, my oldest son is turning fifteen!  The blonde hair has since turned to brown but he still has some of the bluest eyes around (rivaled only by his little brother).  Those lashes are still long and full...so much that they rub against his glasses when he blinks--which drives him nuts.  More importantly, he's turned into such a smart, funny, and interesting young man.

I'm amazed by how quickly the time is passing and how fast my little boy is growing up.

I can't wait to see how he turns out.

Bring on the next fifteen years!!

(No pics because....you know....he's too cool to have his picture taken these days)

Transitions--GBE2 #15 (Children/Parents)

I've been struggling all week with the Parent/Child topic.  Surprising right?  Having four children ought to have made me able to knock this one right out of the park.  Maybe it's the overabundance of material I have at my disposal.  Whatever it is, I've been procrastinating all week...knowing that I didn't want to skip two weeks in a row...hoping that I'd be inspired by something.

Note to inspiration:  I'm ready whenever you are.  I'm waiting patiently.

I'm also in a big hurry patiently waiting for school to start.

All this rain that upstate New York has been getting has caused many roads to flood.  Yesterday--the official first day of school--was cut short and school closed at about ten-thirty.  This morning, we started out with a two-hour delay and quickly changed into a school closure within a half hour.

I understand that there were many roads flooded and driving conditions were unsafe.  But for the love of muffins....I am beyond ready for the school year to begin!

I don't blame the school.  Mother Nature--this one is entirely on you!

This is my first school year without any children home.  This is the first year I will be blissfully alone.

I feel independent and free.

I also feel ridiculously old!

When I started this whole 'Mom' thing, I was a completely inept twenty-five year old.  My brand new boyfriend had a three year old that needed mothering and I had absolutely no clue what to do. 

Two months later I was pregnant. 

We were a mess!.  Thrown together by lust...held together by love.  We struggled every day to learn how to be a family.  One day, without us even realizing--we started making sense. 

Then just four months after the arrival of our beautiful Miss Addison--we found out that we were going to have another bundle of joy.  Our 'happy accident'...my little Bear arrived thirteen and a half months after his older sister.

Life was whirlwind of diapers, bottles and toys.  Temper tantrums and snuggles.  Nickelodeon and PBS kids.  Addy and Bear proved to be inseparable--partners in crime.  Addy was the brains and Bear was the muscle--he'd go along with whatever scheme her little toddler brain cooked up.  I still have no idea how we made it through with our sanity intact.  And to think that some parents have their kids that close together--on purpose!

One by one, they started to head to school.  My kid-free days were almost here! 

What's one more?  Sure, that's what we'll do!  And just before Bear entered pre-k, we welcomed Mathias to the family. 

It was an entirely different experience just having one baby at home during the day.  Mathias' babyhood was more relaxed and way less stressful.  It's probably the time period that I've enjoyed most of all.

And now, my baby is going to kindergarten.

Where did all this time go?  Yesterday I was in my mid-twenties and childless.  Today I'm swiftly approaching my 36th birthday and sending my youngest baby off to school. 

Nathan was just three the other day--I swear!  And tomorrow (Mother Nature willing), he'll be starting his first full day of high school.  The same little boy who used to snuggle up with me and take turns reading pages of the Lemony Snicket books now is as tall as me and needs to shave!

Bear and Addy seemingly overnight went from being my terrible toddler twosome to being almost nine and ten.  A fourth and fifth grader! 

Who are these kids??  Where did my babies go??

Who's this old chick that looks back at me in the mirror everyday? (I don't know...but she looks fabulous!)

Hopefully, the weather has subsided enough for the kids to actually go to school.  The best parts of the school season are calling to me and I'm itching to reach out and grab them.

But I'm very somber in the realization that this marks a big transition.  One more step on the way until the day they each walk out the door.

Tomorrow morning, I will wish each one of the bigger kids to have a great day and then I'm going to grab Mathias (He doesn't start until Monday) and my special blanket.  So we can settle in for a big snuggle session. 

Because I'm not letting go just yet.

Invasion of the Babbers Snatchers (GBE2 #14--Growing Wild)

This is me....and my youngest son, Mathias (my Babbers)

Cute, right?

My answer would be.......most of the time, yes.

Not yesterday.  Nope, not even sort of.

You see, yesterday was school supply shopping day.  We rounded up the troops (minus the oldest because....he's just too cool to hang out with us anymore), explained what our plans were and piled into the truck for a quick trip to the local Wal-Mart.

Our cart was filled with pencils, pens, notebooks, and folders.  We had all the essentials.  We went a little over budget...but not too badly.  Everything was going quite nicely.....

Until.....

"Mommy, can you buy me a Lego set?" Mathias asked--innocently enough.  He's five.  He doesn't have to worry about things like budgets and bills.  All he knows of spending is that Mommy swipes the card in the machine and we bring stuff home.

"I'm sorry baby, but Mommy doesn't have enough money to buy any Legos today"

"You have money Mommy....look at all the stuff in the cart."

"Yes, you're right...I DO have money for school supplies.  You guys NEED school supplies.  I don't have any extra money for buying Legos"

That's when the pod people came and swapped my precious treasure for some wild creature from another realm.

"THEN PUT ALL THIS STUFF BACK!!! I DON'T NEED ALL THIS WORTHLESS JUNK!!! I NEED YOU TO BUY ME A LEGO SET!!!!" 

Screaming and crying began at this point.  This is my fourth child.  Jeff and I are not strangers to tantrums in public places.  We could have removed him.  Maybe we should have.  But we had exactly two more items to purchase from the other side of the store.  Surely, we could weather this storm long enough to grab those items and run?

"I JUST WANT A LEGO SET.  WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME???  WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME???  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...JUST A MINI ONE....I NEEEEEEEED A LEGO SET...I NEEEEEEED IT!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Through the store we went.  And like so many parents, I was almost ready to cave.  Or at least come to a more affordable compromise.

Until he looked at me and said:  "I'm just going to keep screaming until you get me my Lego set"

Oh, he was so close!

Just barely hanging onto our sanity, we reach the checkout line.  He hasn't stopped screaming.  He stops to catch his breath....looks over at me loading notebooks onto the belt...and says:

"Where is the owner of Wal-Mart? I need to speak to him."

Wait. *Double take* Ummmm....what??????

"You need to speak to the owner of Wal-Mart?, Why?"

"BECAUSE WHEN I TELL HIM WHAT YOU DID TO ME....HE'S GOING TO MAKE YOU BUY ME A LEGO SET!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(OK....he's still cute.  Even when the pod people invade his body.)

Cries. Wails. Screams. Empty threats on our part.  All the way to the car.

On the way home it's more of the same.  Only now he's concerned over some of those empty threats that had been issued.

I tried to reassure him.  When people get really mad, sometimes they say things that they don't really mean.  Like when he's mad at me and says he hates me....he doesn't really hate me....it's just the anger talking.

"No, Mommy.....I mean it EVERY TIME I say it."

Breathe, Stephanie, Breathe. 

Relax--Tomorrow will be a better day.

And so far, it has been.  He's been the sweet little boy I love so much.

The pod people have retreated.

For now.

The Purest Trust (GBE#13--Topic: Trust)

During the week, I work and parent.  But on the weekends....it's all about school.

Every Friday night, I have actual class.  On Saturday and Sunday, I'm up at 5:30am so I can make it to clinical for the 7am-3pm shift.

So far, it's been a pretty enjoyable experience.  It's a ton of hard work, for sure, but it's a great learning experience and I've had the opportunity to see a variety of healthcare settings.

For the past two weeks, I've been 'working' in a long term care facility for children.  It's just about the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do.

When I saw this week's topic was trust, children (and my experiences in clinical) were the first thing to come to mind.

How easily children trust and how easily that trust can be obliterated.

Children trust their parents to take care of them.  And yet, one moment in time can completely change who somebody is and what they need--right down to the very core. 

Acts of violence.

Acts of neglect.

They can take a once vibrant and active individual and render them helpless--completely dependent on someone else for their care...forever.

Even the simple act of loving your child.  Something that should come naturally...unconditionally.  And yet, for some children....the only family they know is the staff assigned to care for them.

I find this often in my line of work....adults whose families walked away a lifetime ago...never to see their children again.  Is it because the child's care needs are too daunting?  Is it because the child isn't "normal"?

My heart says it's wrong no matter what the reason is.

I'm not a perfect mother.  I make dozens of mistakes every day.

But I love them and will always be here to care for them--as long as I'm needed, I will be here.

I will never intentionally hurt them or turn my back on them.

They can trust me on that.

I wish every child could say the same.